Despite the reverse in Aberdeen, Lady Bear and I are in fine fettle as we sample the München brews and do our utmost to blend in to the crowd. As you can see from the enclosed photograph Lady Bear is sizzling the Bavarian Bratwursts with her latest outfit:
Whereas I look like a gay Von Trapp from The Sound of Music:
For a bit of fun we have placed a bid on e-bay for a job lot of 100 broken red plastic seats, which are surplus to requirements at Pittodrie. I understand that they featured in an entertaining game of volleyball as both sets of supporters traded bons mots from sweet mouths. Unfortunately the safe standing initiative from the Rangers supporters was somewhat sullied by a lusty bastardisation of an old nursery rhyme. Who would have thought that ‘Little Bo Beep‘ would have lost more than her sheep in Aberdeen?
The local news stands carry The Daily Rectum comic which Lady Bear uses for cat litter. She would be lost without our Siamese Aristocat, Super Ally. As she was laying down some sheets of cheap newsprint I noted that some of the Rectum’s Rangers Cheerleaders would have us believe that we have never had it so good. Did a warm glow of reverie descend on Mark Warburton after the ninety minutes was up? Forgive me for saying but in photographs in the Rectum he looks like an angry Daddy Bear who has discovered that an Aberdonian Goldilocks had eaten his porridge. He did not appear to be serenading the match officials with a cover of ‘Que Sera, Sera‘
Joey Barton’s new computer game, A Clueless Country, features Mark Warburton as a Super Mario type character trying to find his way out of a maze while red plastic seats rain down on him. The Warburton-on-sea Avatar is carrying a basket of potatoes. The object of the game is to get out of the maze, avoid having a red seat impaled in your cranium and not ‘drop your spuds.‘
There are many parallels to the SPFL where Warburton-on-sea has dropped twelve points. If things don’t improve there will only be one goldfish left in the Glasgow fish bowl:
Should we console ourselves with some stand-up comedy, we don’t have far to look as a new statement has been released by Paul Murray’s hair. The statement is evidently a confection of bouffant and brass neck as Rangers aspired to take the gloss off Celtic. It was a naked exercise in PR for Dummies. I wonder if Je Suis Graham created it while wearing his Grand Wizard’s uniform of white robe and pointy hat? If this is the case he should cut another eyelet in the white hood of his ‘glory suit‘ as his narrative is somewhat one-eyed:
“Following yesterday’s Judicial Panel decision Rangers will be demanding urgent clarification from the Scottish FA over how they intend ensuring the safety of players and officials participating in this season’s Scottish Cup. The Club has been left shocked by the SFA’s approach to this vital safety issue and by the decision not to seek sanctions in respect of the assaults by Hibernian supporters on Rangers players and officials at the end of the Cup Final last May. The Scottish FA must have a basic duty of care to ensure the safety of players and officials in matches played in their competitions and at Hampden. Rangers were surprised and disappointed by the nature of the charges brought by the association believing them fundamentally flawed from the outset and cannot understand why the focus seemed to be on compensating the association for damage to Hampden Stadium and items such as advertising hoardings and LED panels rather than ensuring the safety of players and officials. Rangers are concerned that adopting this approach will not dissuade supporters of other Clubs from coming onto the field of play and/or assaulting players and officials. Rangers were also astonished by the fact Hibernian, whose Chairman Rod Petrie is Vice-president of the Scottish FA, were permitted to engage the SPFL’s solicitor to fight the charges being brought by the SFA. Using the legal adviser to one of Scottish Football’s two governing bodies to defend charges brought by the other is worrying enough for those concerned with the good governance and integrity of Scottish Football, but it is even more disturbing when the party at the centre of the conflict also has a foot in both camps and is scheduled to become the SFA’s President. Rangers are also extremely disappointed at Mr Petrie’s continued failure to issue an apology in respect of the assaults on our players and officials.At the time of the Cup Final Rangers shared the outrage and concern expressed by the Scottish FA Chief Executive Stewart Regan. He was very clear: ‘It was appalling. In the UK this is one of the worst incidents of its kind I’ve seen.’ However, four months on from the Final, the Scottish FA have still not held a formal de-brief. Sheriff Bowen has prepared and issued a report. Rangers were pleased to provide evidence to Sheriff Bowen and offered guidance from our own very experienced security team on the failings in policing and stewarding at the match. Rangers remain disappointed and concerned that the report did not address many of the issues raised by our security team. The concerns were raised not to attack individuals for what had happened but with a view to avoiding any repetition of these issues. Rangers would hope all of Scottish Football would be united in agreeing this is paramount.The continued failure to deal properly and promptly with issues surrounding the Cup Final is alarming and a stain on Scottish football. The SFA must confront and learn from the issues that arose. Rangers owe it to our players and supporters to ensure that the Scottish FA’s duty of care is upheld and that those with authority in Scottish Football create a safe environment for the game. It should be understood Rangers will not tolerate any of their employees being attacked with impunity.
I trust you concur with my choice of red typeface as the anger and indignation drips from every diphthong. Lady Bear and I created a drinking game for our new-found friends in Herr Clink’s Mein Kampf Oompah Band. German was never my strongest suit but I believe that ‘my struggle’ captures the essence of the brass ensemble. The object of the game is to read the statement aloud while keeping a straight face. Our German guests are hard task masters and insist on drinking a shot of Schnapps in one go if there is even the slightest inflection in vocal delivery. Lady Bear later reflected that King should be in ‘The Clink‘ and that only the most gullible would accept his ‘victim mentality’ narrative. If he makes enough noise does he hope that we will all forget that King is £30m short of an Old Firm sandwich?
As Voltaire asserted in “Reflexions sur de jonque”: “Lorsque l’on effectue une action, atteint un mauvais résultat, puis répète l’action plusieurs fois attendent un meilleur résultat, on est un peu fou de singe, non?”
My Haberdasher’s prep schoolboy French, although a little rusty, arrived at the following:
“When one carries out an action, that reaches a bad result, then one repeats the same action several times, expecting a better result- one is a little-insane monkey, no?
Lady Bear sends her love.
Yours in Rangers,
Edward (Teddy) Bear Esquire
Neuturmstraße 1, 80331 München, Germany
Lady Bear and a large beer! What more could any red-blooded male ask for. Well a result at Ibrox tomorrow would be a good start when the Jags are visitors. One wonders whether they will take their LSD-inspired mascot to scare the kids. This will not of course be a problem for Mark Warburton’s League of Venerable Gentlemen.
I note that the Ibrox bookmaker, Honest Joey Barton will not be betting in play tomorrow. He’s already on the marble naughty step and as Warburton-On-Sea has been banned from the dugout tomorrow there’s not enough room on the directors’ box naughty step. When I look at the statement my thoughts turn to Warburton’s band on the run and a squirrel to deflect from the poor performamces on the field of play and CFC’s Champions League showing against the Champions-elect of English football. Joey Barton is left of centre, just behind the squirrel:
If I was tasked with composing a sentence or two with ‘appalling; failings; impunity; shocked and safety’, which all feature in the angry prose, I would write the following:
“I am shocked to note that the connectors of three roofs have so severely deteriorated that the safety of spectators is being compromised. This is an appalling failing on the part of the board who by their negligence are threatening the lives of their supporters with impunity.”
This would be much closer to the truth apropos matters at Ibrox.
My love as always to Lady Bear. If she is successful in her bid for the ‘distressed’ chairs from Pittodrie, might I be so bold to suggest a garden promenade at your Chalfonts estate, featuring Herr Clink’s band. We could repair them to seat the entire village.
Yours in Rangers,