Dear JJ -‘Minder’ At Ibrox

Mr Regan patiently explaining the finer points of PAYE and National Insurance to Mr King.


“Dear JJ,

Lady Bear and I have just returned from another outing to The Court of Session. Reporting restrictions are in place to cover the unlikely event of a jury trial, but suffice to say the subject matter being discussed was asset freezing. Which led Lady Bear and I to discuss Our Dear Leader’s funds that were deposited in Guernsey being subject to a Mareva Injunction and the topic of relief. Mr King claimed ‘horticultural relief’ from his retained funds to cover his Psoralea Pinnata  shrubbery, which goes by the informal title of the  “Kool-Aid Bush”. As you may recall from Jim White’s ‘homage’ to our dear leader, the 32,000 bottles of wine that he misappropriated from the warrant sale of his Quoin Rock Winery have since been returned to their rightful owner, which freed up space to step up production of Mr King’s answer to Irn Bru.

He took a couple of sample flasks of his latest pressing to Hampden to dispense to his fellow directors at The Scottish Cup Final. Sadly Alastair Johnston, The Monocled Mutineer in the photograph, was not prepared to pitch Mr King’s heady brew to the scions of Wall Street as he could not envisage a return on their investments.

Mr Warburton, who took a flask of kool-aid with him on vacation, was overheard discussing the managerial vacancy at Watford and whether his experience with the under 10s should warrant an interview. What is your take on this JJ? Do you have any thoughts on the forthcoming Scottish FA enquiry? Will Campbell Ogilvie be hired to present evidence on behalf of the SFA? Will the SFA be accepting King’s Kool-Aid as an approved SFA beverage?

I apologize for the slew of questions. I was hoping for some clarity prior to Craig Whyte’s next hearing on Friday, then a trip to Epsom for The Derby on Saturday. Lady Bear is fond of a flutter, as you well know.

Yours in Rangers,

Edward (Teddy) Bear Esquire”


Dear Teddy,

Thank you for your letter. I understand your concerns apropos the forthcoming SFA enquiry. In some quarters of Govan they are calling for Mr Petrie to be airlifted to Iceland and dropped in the active volcano at Mount Hekla. One would hope that ‘kooler’ heads prevail and that this sacrifice to The Sons of Strewth will not be necesary. As for Campbell Ogilvie, The DOS/EBT Pimpernel,  speaking with forked tongue on behalf of the SFA tepee, nothing would surprise me when discussing this corrupt cabal.

Our Dear Leader’s bush-spinning idea may have some traction. In a worst case scenario it may wash down the medicine of a reduced contract for Mr Warburton. Over in the East End, Brendan Rodgers National Insurance payments will dwarf Mr Warburton’s new contract. Despite this tax being a relatively new concept at Ibrox, one can understand Mr Warburton’s concern. If one could only turn back the clocks to those heady days of wine and roses, with a picnic by a babbling brook of reduced tax payments to HMRC, and Sandy Bryson gambolling like a spring lamb in an imperfect, but acceptable, meadow?

As you and Lady Bear may have noted from my previous post (thank you for your support) some of the Rangers support also encroached on the field to stop nine year old boys from harassing the Rangers players. Mr Wallace complained of a gash in his side, but I would have thought that spears were prohibited at Hampden. I realise that the Police Scotland response was criticised as somewhat lax, but allowing fans purporting to be Zulu warriors into Hampden was surely beyond the pale? A more enterprising player may have used the netting that was readily available at the Hibs end to engage in a makeshift gladiatorial contest.

Next season the theme will be Minder :

Joey Barton will play the role of Terry McCann and Our Dear Leader will naturally be cast as Arthur Daley. It was somewhat prescient of Mr King to hire protection for the players. We should doff our bowler hats in recognition of his forethought.


Yours in Rangers,




42 thoughts on “Dear JJ -‘Minder’ At Ibrox”

  1. “managerial vacancy at Watford” – surely you mean Walford Teddy – the imaginary club in the long running soporific, depression-fest soap opera.

    Watford FC is an English Premiership club – they would only contact Warburton to ensure there were no pages missing from his footballing CV.

  2. Once again: chapeau, sir. (A warm-weather bowler, of course.) Your correspondence with Edward “Teddy” Bear is most piquant, frequently bringing to mind the great satires of Evelyn Waugh. He converted on his deathbed, you know. Tara for now!

  3. JJ you should seek suggestions as to the gist of the conversation between the convicted criminal and the SFA’S version of action man. …………
    Mine is along the lines of………….Dave old chap, that 4 ball the other week, remember £10 a head, you said that you had left your wallet in South Africa, any chance of me getting paid anytime soon?

  4. Maybe Mr Reagan was reassuring Mr King that Lady Bears recipe for ‘sour plum tart’ would ease the suffering, of losing out on the ‘Euro Millions’.

  5. As I recline in salubrious al fresco surroundings, protected by an efficacious parasol, imbibing the essence of the Juniper berry co-mingled with Indian Tonic Water (Britvic, By Appointment to HM Queen Elizabeth II), My mind wanders to the forthcoming season and the pre-determined fact that at least four clubs are going to thrash Mr Warburton’s corps of chaps on the field of play.
    Mr Warburton and Mr Weir’s stock in the game is as good as it’s going to get. They should consider cashing in at the table whilst the going’s good and try down the road.

    1. Unfortunately for Warbie, Mr Stewart at Rotherham Utd, in the English Championship, fancies Alan Stubbs as a better management prospect.

  6. “If one could only turn back the clocks to those heady days of wine and roses, with a picnic by a babbling brook of reduced tax payments to HMRC, and Sandy Bryson gambolling like a spring lamb in an imperfect, but acceptable, meadow?”

    It’s almost Shakespearean ! 🙂

    Well done jj.

    1. More Wordsworth surely?

      “I wandered lonely as a cloud
      That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
      When all at once I saw a crowd,
      A host, of golden daffodils;
      Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
      Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. “

      1. I wandered lonely on a cloud…
        Then fell right through…
        Now in a shroud.
        Terry Newman 2016.

  7. Love the “drinking the Kool Aid reference” so very apt when one considers nearly 30 years of the masses being fed the RFC approved bulletins from the inept Scottish Media. Floating pitches and Casinos anyone? Were we ever served by an impartial Print Media in Scotland?.

  8. I see Leeds have given Evans the heave-ho. Could it be that Warbie has left his magic hat at Elland Road for safe keeping while he is on holiday in the States?

    1. I get the distinct impression that Mr Warburton has stormed out of Ibrox and won’t be back. If King had backed him by signing Diagouraga and doing business with Accrington Stanley for Windass and Crooks, he would have been in a much better position of winning the Scottish Cup. Turning up at Hampden with only fifteen players, with Waghorn not match fit, was the final straw for him. As a reward for his efforts, King cut his take home pay this year to a £500,000 package with only £375,000 of that guaranteed, if the whispers I’m hearing from a former pro player are accurate. Then there’s the £500,000 bonus that is being delayed. King thinks he has him over a barrel, but Mr Warburton is sufficiently wealthy to walk away and let the player’s union rep negotiate his bonus.

      1. Warburton could send an SMS to Traynor, Waddell, Jackson ….

        Stating I’m the Rangers manager, looking forward to next season,….etc and put rumours to sword. Ten seconds effort to put out a quote.

        But nothing.

      2. Nah, surely he was simply off the wage at midnight on cup final day and won’t give an interview until back on the salary?
        I think the guy still hasn’t got the old firm concept and struggles with the culture here.
        He doesn’t like the requirement to fill 30 back pages across all Scottish newspapers every single day.
        The pitch invasion would have been unnerving. The fan base unique to say the least. The club/ clumpany/ issues. Budgets, key guys he deals with. Others at Murray Park he sees every day.
        He just wants to do well managing a football team. TRFC brings so much more grief and hassle.

      3. I wouldn’t be negotiating a fulfilled contractual bonus with a players rep. I’d be appointing a QC to enforce the contractual payment.

    2. Funnily enough I was just going through Oddschecker looking at the many English managerial vacancies and, for the ones he’s even quoted a price for, he’s no shorter then 50/1 for any of them.

  9. A question.

    In the piccie at the top of the page, why is Regan standing with the TRFC guys? Surely it would have been more appropriate to be with his deputy. Rod Petrie of Hibs?
    Or better still a neutral venue within the stadium. Say, with Leigh Griffiths.

    I know. I am being silly of course. The TRFC brigade are the only ones prepared to speak to him without a lawyer present.

    Stewie nae mates.

      1. If that is the case, is Regan’s hand gesture saying “look Dave, let me deal with it, I will set up an enquiry, in the meantime let’s have a calm and measured response!”. Liar King on the other hand is deep in thought “shit, I’m going to have to stall on Warbuton’s bonus not to mention cut back on his target list!…….much can I get out of Hong Kong…….need to get Jabba to stir up the Bears……season ticket money….could we get Hibs thrown out….wonder if Barton’s agent could get him to accept a 20% reduction…don’t even think about resolution 12….I thought we are meant to be the people…..this country is going to the dogs”

  10. I wonder how many Chairman have taken up King’s offer to sit down and break bread together or will that genie not reappear till ST Sales are maximised by playing the victim and nobody likes us card?

    1. Apparently, reportedly in here, CCK isn’t a Chairman of a football club, so why should they sit down with him?

      He is chairman of RIFC Plc (unlisted) which is a holding company and 100% owner of subsidiary TRFC Limited (the football club).

      Yes, I know, Rangers the football club IS a Limited company (founded 2012). And yes it can cease to exist through liquidation.

  11. So Hibs have begun the process of banning fans, some for life, for their part in the Cup Final afters.

    I may have missed it but apart from Robertson preferring fans singing TBB to fighting on the park what action is RFC taking against their fans involved in the stramash?

    What about the guy wielding the corner flag as a weapon, the one captured on camera kicking the young Hibee fan as he lay on the ground, the one who appeared to be trying to kidnap the child?

    Rangers First is collecting funds to pay fines etc and support any RFC fan brought to account.

    What is the official club line on Rangers fans involved in on field violence?

    Will it all be put down to fans defending players and officials from assault by Hibees therefore no action will be taken by the club even if those involved are charged and subsequently found guilty in court?
    Bearing in mind that there were no RFC players still on the park when RFC fans waded in.

    1. And why Stewart Robertson or anyone from Rangers should be anywhere near any SFA or SPFL boards.

      As a ps – Have any non C Whyte fines attributed to Rangers since 2012 been paid? Both SFA and SPFL?

      Again reason not to allow anywhere near our football authorities.

      But if Andrew Dickson purveyor of EBTs administration and Licencing sign off both for Rangers and the SFA can get on the SPFL ethics committee, or whatever it is called, what hope have we got of Scottish football being anything transparent and clean?

    2. Joe,
      TRFC have made their position very clear in this respect. Stewart Roberston gave the TRFC fans the choice of either singing a banned song or invading the pitch. Regrettably, some of those fans chose to do both but the latter only after extreme provocation by the Hibs fans and only to protect the TRFC players even though they had all left the pitch by then.
      With regard to the specific instances you mentioned I suspect that the TRFC fan was waving the corner flag as a sign of peace, the kick on the young Hibs fan was totally accidental and the attempted kidnapping of the boy was to protect him from a pitch invading future as a Hibs fan. All positive stuff easily explained!

  12. Level 5 is losing it.

    Just read of the 6 top candidates for the Leeds job………..Warbs doesn’t get a mention, how can that be?

    1. Simple. Mr Warburton is out of contract at Rangers and the SMSM are under the impression that he’s gone. There are no brownie points to be gained at Ibrox by linking his name to any vacancy.

  13. Comments being made on twitter and the like that the real reason there was a scandalous shortage of police pitch side at the final whistle was they had sent a large contingent of officers to Ibrox to police the Rangers victory parade.
    That could explain the claim police were blocked getting to the ground by departing Rangers fans.
    Maybe that’s what Regan and King are discussing, how do we spin this one !

  14. So we have the TJN articles almost completely ignored by the MSSM…….potentially the biggest scandal in the history of UK football…….a football authority colluding with a member club with some office bearers outed as liars along the way.

    Res 12, hardly a murmur, again with current and former office bearers heavily involved at the outset and now doing their best to cover up their involvement in what is potentially a conspiracy to commit fraud.

    The Warbler vanishes from the scene, not worthy of any media attention apparently. If as your sources suggest he has done a runner, sans bonus, this is a huge story and would be a dagger to the heart of King and his board, though most of the ST monies will have been banked.

    There are no secrets in Scottish football, the media is aware of all these stories, their Sports Editors are not stupid men but do the Editor In Chiefs actually know what these guys are sitting on?

    If the Warbler has gone I can’t wait to see how Jabba/King/Graham attempt to spin it………of course it will be absolutely nothing to do with broken promises and lack of funds, no siree Bob, it will be the haters.

    I wonder if they will risk wheeling out Robertson again to front the PR offensive……….though given his previous performances that may not be the best idea!

    Now Stewart pay attention

    Income less than expenditure, traditionally that would be a loss.

    Income surplus to expenditure, traditionally that would be a profit.

    Got it, good!

  15. That was your most amusing and clever Dear JJ articles. A delightful read.

    I note your reference to ex Rangers Chairman, Alastair Johnston, as The Monocled Mutineer. May I suggest that this reference is more appropriate to Dave King. The Percy Toplis of Rangers……….imposter, fraudster and serial criminal. Mr Toplis was also a high profile deserter in WW1. In King’s case, he deserted values of decency and integrity years ago.

    I do hope that Lady Bear enjoys the Derby. I know that she likes a flutter. Perhaps she will flutter her eyes at me on Saturday.

  16. Warburton is in a unique position to wreak havoc at Ibrox if King has pissed him off once too often:

    · withdraw his labour from Ibrox/L5 PR activities

    · withdraw his labour from chasing loaners, freebies and lower league Vardys

    · withdraw his contacts with EPL clubs that have served Ibrox well

    · imply that Ibrox in no place for players and staff looking for a positive, career enhancing environment

    · tell tales of dysfunction and duplicity with the weight of an honest man

    · leave Ibrox looking for a new manager who can turn pigs ears into silverware whilst being treated with little respect for uncertain remuneration sans war chest.

    · speak knowledgeably about finances and fragility thereof

    · tap into city legal contacts to pursue open and shut contract disputes with ruthless efficiency.

    · take the summer off because he doesn’t need the money.

    Having created this situation, can the pathologically stubborn King turn it around and make amends with an honest, hardworking man simply fulfilling his contract and expecting other to do the same?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s