The Backdoor Billy Boys

As Mark Warburton steels his blend of youth and geriatrics for the trip to Tynecastle,  the off-field travails of a failed resolution and lukewarm support for King might seem a world away. However should his team not earn a minimum of two points, from the visit to Hearts and the arrival of Aberdeen on Saturday, he might find the heat on the park sufficient to spare the under soil convection at Ibrox. To add to the air of despondency, Neil McCann has materialised like the ghost of Christmas past to have a go at the disastrous signings of Barton and Garner. The latter  is so far out of his depth in the top tier of Scottish football that an aqualung would not be out of place. As for Barton, his Strangeways pedigree has resulted in stranger days. My deep throat, who inititially informed me that Barton had been paid off with a cool million has now recanted this view. Barton’s salary will be paid in full for the entirety of his two year deal, every quarter in advance. He has deposited his Q1 payment and is laughing all the way to the bank.

The dogfights with Aberdeen and Hearts for a UEFA  berth 17/18 will define Warburton’s first and possibly last season in the Scottish Premier League. Should Celtic win the treble, an additional spot will be available. However those espousing the merits of financial fair play might not be surprised to learn that the SFA will bend over backwards to assist the beleaguered club. An SFA spokesman stated:

“I suspect that UEFA would grant them special dispensation because there have been instances of other clubs, in similar circumstances being allowed to participate.”

One wonders whether these clubs have sustained consistent losses for every year since their 2012 renascence, with the first year only showing a slight profit via some shady accounting artifice. As things stand UEFA assert that they consider acceptable losses over a three year period to amount to no more than £4,265,000. They allow losses during this same period to reach £25.9m should the following condition apply:

“If such excess is entirely covered by contributions from equity participants and or related parties.”

Rangers have lost £18.9m in the last three years.They also revealed in the latest accounts that they have just received another £2.9m in soft loans and that they will need to borrow more to meet bills as they fall due this season. Should the rogue board suffer a reverse at The Royal Courts of Justice in the next forty-eight hours, there won’t be much change if any from £1m. If one adds the soft loans and another £2m to pay Ashley and keep the lights on, one is fast approaching the £25.9m threshold.

Mike Ashley is seeking £1m in damages for breach of contract. When costs are added,  another £600,000 or so will have to be found if these are not capped. Things are spiralling out of control.

The SFA spokesman, who was not prepared to put his name to his text but one can comfortably assume that it’s Darry Broadfoot, continued:

“What UEFA would do is ask Rangers for independently confirmed and detailed information about their finances, as well as their plans to become financially sustainable.”

Could Darryl please apprise me of when any iteration of Rangers was financially sustainable? Those two words in that combination have not been heard at Ibrox since the Bank Of Scotland bumped bared nipples and knees with SDM. Maybe Campbell Dallas  could provide a level of comfort?  Sadly no cigar on this occasion as there is a going concern emphasis of matter in the most recently published accounts.

Meanwhile Sandy Bryson is in the deepest word mines looking for an imperfect but open Backdoor to the Europa Cup qualification games for his favoured club. Would Campbell Ogilvie, the most corrupt man in Scottish football, not be more skilled in the art of barefaced mendacity? He most certainly has previous and as a UEFA match delegate he will know  who will be open to a Mac Bung to smooth Rangers’ progress. When it comes to being corrupt, the SFA are gifted amateurs. UEFA are in the pantheon of the corrupt and occupy the same toxic air of FIFA when the global governing body are allocating World Cup venues.

Between a Rock & a Hard Case

The King Project has failed. Prior to a forensic analysis of Resolution 11, I pause to highlight Resolution 5:

“THAT Dave King, who retires and offers himself for re-appointment in accordance with the Company’s Articles of Association, be re-appointed as a Director of the Company.”
For – 43,664,631 (74.7%)
Against – 14,790,407 (25.3%)
Total votes cast on the Resolution was 58,455,038. This represents 71.7% of the Company’s issued share capital.

The incontrovertible conclusion to be drawn from Resolution 5 is that more than 46% of the stakeholders did not vote for King to be re-appointed as a director of the holding company. As King has also failed the SFA’s ‘Fit & Proper’ test to hold office in the member club, his pariah status is not confined to nominated advisers and The City. The Square Mile takes a dim view of those convicted of 41 counts of tax evasion.


Much is being made of Ally McCoist’s decision not to back the rogue board but one should ask why anyone would vote to dilute one’s equity. When King a.k.a. Charlotte Fakeovers,  was deploying  Traynor and Je Suis Graham to solicit votes,  the former was being paid in advance, and the latter paid in kind with a seat on the board. Je Suis lasted forty-eight hours.King’s judgement should have been held up to scrutiny at this juncture, but as the SMSM had invested in the favourable result rhetoric he was given an easy ride. The other directors were re-appointed to the RIFC board with majorities of 87% or more. Is the penny beginning to drop with the shareholders?

Is laying the blame on The Loin Scallywag somewhat disingenuous? Did King not honour McCoist’s contract in full as he forced him off the payroll? One might suggest that King might not be predisposed to write the foreword of McCoist’s much mooted biography: From Gazza To Gazebo.


King stated that it would take £50m to elevate TRFC to parity with Celtic. Had he invested £20m to repair the roofs and not the Heath Robinson solution of netting to catch falling debris, he would have £30m at his disposal to build a team of players who can command a transfer fee for their services, as opposed to the dirty dozen with skelfs on their arses from the bottom of the free transfer barrel. Joe Garner, at a reported £1.47m, is one of the worst players I have ever seen in a Rangers shirt. He is worth a fraction of this amount. One might reasonably inquire how many Mac Bungs are included in this inflated fee? When Graeme Souness bought players from Rangers he was given a tax-free EBT bung of £30,000.Are the directors of the Rogue Board being paid from artificially inflated transfer fees? Perish the thought.

King promised to invest his mythical children’s inheritance fund, but even a cursory glance at court records reveals that King is unwilling to give his children one sou for fear of them marrying a gigolo on the make; a fellow carpet-bagger cut from the same cloth as King. King’s children will have to work for their father’s nest of vipers corporate concerns to make their way in the world.

The Concert Party directors who invested in King’s chutzpah  are now seriously out of pocket. The plan to print equity certificates that would have the value of bubblegum wrappers, and then sell them to the Native Govan Indians, has foundered. The comfort blanket of eleven signings has turned out to be a blanket riddled with cholera and typhoid. Senderos was carrying a hod on a Swiss construction site when signed by Mac Bung. Barton was born on probation.Kranjcar’s knees were as shot as the three stands at Ibrox. Rossiter has a muscle-wasting condition and Clint Hill at 38 has the utility of a sleeping policeman watching the frenetic pace of Scottish football go by.

If Celtic are the benchmark, then The Warbolution is not even close. There were no magic hats at Hampden on Sunday as Celtic delivered their 100th title.As it was Brendan Rodgers first, he will treasure it. However even though the pursuit of six-in-a-row is turning into a procession, one should take pause when espousing treble ambitions. The Scottish Cup is a corrupt entertainment where Rangers are given home ties against lower league clubs to guarantee income and a lucrative semi-final place. Rangers are only two games and one-eyed referee decisions from silverware.

I would suggest that Rodgers biggest problem is not from other teams, but how best he manages squad rotation. Griffiths, the golden boy of the pre Rodgers seasons, cut a forlorn figure when coming on to the field for the closing minutes of a one-sided final. If he in any way perspired it would have been during the squad’s warm down. Is Rodgers missing a trick by not playing Toure in midfield? He is another player that Rodgers has to put his arms around.

Resolution 11

For – 43,454,429 (74.6%)
Against – 14,795,321 (25.4%)
Total votes cast on the Resolution was 58,249,750. This represents 71.5% of the Company’s issued share capital.

My original forecast was that this resolution would not achieve the prerequisite 75%. Jack Irvine did not share my optimism and tempered my enthusiasm. Sandy Easdale agreed with my original prognosis:

  1. 10.4% of the stakeholders (Blue Pitch, Margarita, Norne Asphalt) were stripped of their voting rights.
  2. With a ballot of 70% of the registered electorate, a stakeholding of 17.5%  would be enough to block Resolution 11.
  3. Ashley/Mash holds 8.92%
    Sandy Easdale holds 6.45%
    James Easdale holds 0.70%
  4. Sandy Easdales proxy’s last known share was 13.47%, including the 10.4% excluded votes, but the remaining 3.07% would be enough to see the blocking figure exceeded on a low poll.


So what now for the beleaguered Concert Party stakeholders? Should they flirt with administration and recoup some their outlay via a CVA? Would they have to engage in liquidation to free themselves of the Ashley yoke for the next six years of the contract termination notice period?  Would King roll the dice to snatch a pyrrhic victory from the jaws of an Ashley defeat? He has previous, expending £50m and 13 years in doing everything possible to evade tax. He would not lose a wink of sleep if he burned the emotional stakeholders. With King at the helm those who wear their hearts on their sleeves will have them snatched while he went after one’s wallet with his free hand.

It has long been my assertion that King is engaging in a money-laundering scam. Does his Plan B involve an escalation of this practice? Maybe we should solicit an opinion from Stewart Regan’s chum, Campbell Ogilvie, as the latter’s grasp of the dark financial arts is beyond compare. With Resolution 12 now gathering momentum and Ashley’s finest minds waiting to hole HMS Ibrox under the waterline, will LNS be the next to fall from the crumbling edifice of continuation?




My articles received 28,270 hits yesterday. Not one of these hits chose to make a donation to this award-winning site. I am inordinately disheartened that those who pledged their support should I continue have not seen fit to donate this month. Going forward I will commit to continue to cover all the issues until year’s end, with one day off for Christmas. Will I be forced to erect a pay wall in the New Year and introduce the intrusive advertising of other sites? By close of business today this site will have reached the 8m hits milestone. No-one works harder than I do to cover every issue and present the Unvarnished Truth.

Plan B

It would appear that Randolph Duke was correct in his assertion, but unfortunately brother Mortimer ‘s position on Ally McCoist was somewhat wide of the mark. Ally is a man for all seasons. He is a pie man of some renown and a dab hand with gardening shears. He has forgotten more about topiary than most gardeners know. He is never happier than when he’s knee deep in a bush.

With Ally and money it’s easy come, easy go. He apparently does not know what he earns, but was alive to Charles Green’s attempts to cut his salary for the 4th tier of Scottish football by 50%. He would not get out of bed for less than £750,000 per annum and as his contract was water tight Green had no other recourse than to pay him in full. Mr McCoist was listed in the share offer prospectus as owning 1 million shares in the club, a stake at that time of just under 3 per cent. However the brochure goes on to state that he will have more than 70,000 additional shares after the new shares are issued but a smaller stakeholding of less than 2 per cent.

Image result for funny images of Ally McCoist

He chose not to vote for the South African career criminal. How remiss of him. It would appear that King’s resolution for the disapplication of pre-emption rights, has, to use the Glasgow vernacular, fallen on its arse.

Dear Doctor, this is not how this was supposed to play out. Mr. McCoist has given the directors a quick kick in their key performance indicators. Mr Gilligan escaped Ally’s censure as he is largely invisible.


So what now for Dave King and his rogue board. The Fabled Plan B:

Image result for Plan B humorous images

It would seem that Mike Ashley has had the last laugh on King and his concert party who are £13m out of pocket and holding £6m of shares that they cannot dispose of on any exchange. To compound matters Ashley has a peppercorn rent of £1 on his Ibrox store for a period of ten years.

As of Thursday, It will be round two of Ashley v King in the High Court. Will Ashley give Dave a cauliflower ear to match his shiner?


The Secret Diary of Mark Warburton- The AGM

Black Friday 25th November

Despite disconnecting my TV and telephone and insisting on no more morning calls, I awoke abruptly to  The Flight of The Bumblebee being piped through my room’s ceiling speakers by the jolly craicsters in reception. I had no need to check the time on my Swan Teasmade  on the bedside table as I knew it was 05.06. Davie is taking the training today as I’m required to be suited and booted at the AGM in The Clyde Auditorium. My plan was to wake up at 06.30 to a mug of decaffeinated Rooibus tea that was thoughtfully sent to me by Dave King’s wife, Ladina. Dina, as she is known to her friends, shares my wife’s passion for early morning yoga with her instructor, Mandingo. As my wife bumps and grinds on a mat with Chico in our conservatory, Dina is put through her paces in the basement that formerly stored 28,000 bottles of ‘boosted‘ wine. Dave King is such a lovable rogue. As the bailiffs arrived he was wearing a trench coat with which to conceal two bottles from a team of grasping Scorpions. He was sweating like Richard Gough on an evening public lavatory sweep, but he kept his bottles intact.

I decided to have a shower, shave my bonce and then liberally apply some after-shave that was given to me as part of a gift on my last day as a analyst  City trader.

Donald Trump Success
For the man who aspires as he perspires

By the time I wrapped myself in my Donald Trump dressing gown it had gone six so it was time for my morning mug of Ladina’s bush tea. The jolly fockers in housekeeping had replaced my Trump Mug with a cup to remind me that their team was playing in the League Cup Final on Sunday.

To kill some time prior to breakfast being served I took a walk in the Burnbrae Hotel’s gardens.I was pleased to note that the Joey Barton masks had been removed from the garden gnomes, but one of them was placed in the recovery position in a flower pot. On closer inspection the plant was of the genus Wounded Knee Necropolis which I’m fairly certain was a dig at McParland’s MLS bum steer, Kranj-Always Crashing in the same-Car. McParland is affectionately known at Auchenhowie as Mac Bung. One of the gnomes seemed to have been impaled by a garden fork. It took me a while to work it out but as I dropped the kids off at the pool the penny finally dropped. The craicsters were referring to McParland’s perjury in court, i.e. speaking with forked tongue. Having a go at Rangers never gets old. One has to be up with the worms to keep abreast of their Timfoolery.

As I whiled away a few moments in the garden I saw the restaurant team arrive in their Hoops for the breakfast shift. This morning’s special was Black Pudding a la Buckfast, which I was assured was a local delicacy. As I was apprehensive about the AGM  I ordered an extra portion of the iron-enriched tonic. I arrived late at the Clyde Auditorium as I had mistakenly told the cab driver to head for Amarillo, which he assumed to be The Armadillo. Either that or I was slurring the words to the Tony Christie classic and I had an early morning assignation with Marie, who waits for me. When I eventually arrived I was suitably buoyed to note that my silverware was looking resplendent on a plinth adjacent to the board’s table.


The Petrofac Cup and Championship trophy are on display as the top table gathers for Rangers 2016 AGM
James Blair has a quick look at the agenda to establish which hat he is required to wear today. He has more hats than his childhood hero, Mr. Ben.

The Petrofac Training Cup was as buffed as my bonce. Despite my earnest pleas to drop the ‘Training‘ from of the title, as it reminded me of Chris Jack’s training Bra and how he liked to get to first base with himself wearing a baseball mitt, the trophy for beginners retained its original title.

It was accompanied on the plinth by my Championship trophy, which admittedly is another second prize but none of the stakeholders wearing knuckledusters in the room seemed to mind. Jim Traynor, who was behind the screen, kept barking instructions as I stepped up to deliver the speech which I had prepared the previous afternoon in Milngavie’s Talbot Arms:

Ladies and Gentlemen, It is my pleasure to present to you my two trophies from my first season as your manager.Some naysayers would like to take the glitter from my sparkling success by suggesting that they are one step up from a Nitshill Secondary Modern Sports Day Wooden Spoon. When I was a high flying City Trader dealing in The Greeks, I loved nothing more than a classical put down from James Joyce’s Ulysses, i.e, Shite N Onions. If I was not in such august company I would drop my trousers and twerk at the award-winning social media journalists, Phil & JJ. Jim Traynor swears by Jackson, Jack, Williams and Tricky Dicky Wilson and if it’s good enough for him then it’s good enough for me. 

Our Dear Leader, Dave King, has just handed me a yellow post-it to remind me of our Ibrox Moon-Shot in 2017. To prepare for the arrival of the Saturn V Rocket, which Dave bought from a man in his Johannesburg local, we are relocating to Hampden. Then it will be full steam ahead for the moon. We are following the path that was blazed by fearless Russian Cosmonauts, such as Yuri Gagarin. Our Dear Leader guarantees that Bomber Brown will be on a rocket by season’s end.”

Image result for a comic book interpretation of a moon shot

There was a hubbub in the conference room. Some wag cried out:

“But the Russian never made it to the moon, ya rocket!”

The late, great and dare I say Sensational Alex Harvey was of the opinion that Glasgow was a tough gig, but I was not expecting anyone to bridge the synaptic gap from the assembled primordial broth of stakeholders. Jim Traynor stepped out from behind the screen to restore order, or should I saw ‘ordure’ which is all one is ever likely to hear from his lips.

As King stepped up to the plate to deliver his Resolution Shuffle Pitch, he had dispensed with his suit and changed into something more comfortable

Image result for images of Robber with Swag

I was as glad to see the back of the AGM audience as they were from the shiny glare from my Wrong Said Fred bonce. Someone was wearing a welder’s mask to shield their eyes. He had probably just come off the night shift at Ibrox as the connectors or on their last legs, or should I say, as Traynor reminded me:

It’s All Aboard For The Moon.


The Sunday Supplement

In many respects the past week has been dominated by the aftermath of the Celtic AGM, the CFC v Barcelona game and the run up to and fallout from the Rangers AGM. The former was an exercise on how to run a club within one’s means. The latter was an advertisement for financial doping. However prior to discussing a club on skid row, it behoves me to pause and reflect on CFC’s on-field performance and their board’s engagement with their supporters. The following image is by Cartuja:

On the park, the partnership of Simonuvic and Sviatchenko is beginning to gel. Lustig is solid and as we saw on Wednesday he had one of the finest forwards in world football, Neymar, in his pocket. The new SAS kept Suarez in check. Messi was the only prong of the Barcelona trident who could not be blunted. His contribution turned this game, but if Dembele had taken his chance and if McGregor was not one of the worst forwards in the SPFL, Celtic could have earned a creditable draw. Those adding zeros to Dembele’s valuation should realize that he’s still a callow youth. A more accomplished player would have scored with his head from four yards. He did well to create the space to head the ball without challenge. If he was worth what many are bandying about he would have been more clinical. He will develop under Rodgers, but one should not underestimate the contribution of his water-carrier, Sinclair.

The first silverware of the season will be decided at Hampden Park this afternoon. From a neutral’s perspective the merits of the Glasgow club are dificult to resist. I have many readers and donors who follow Aberdeen and should they play the expansive football that they are renowned for then this will be a great advert for Scottish football. Since the implosion of Rangers, Aberdeen have been a solid second to Celtic. I anticipate a high-scoring game, but even if Sinclair does not pass a late fitness test, CFC can call on Griffiths. As CFC are relatively solid at the back and Brown continues to stake a claim for SPFL player of the year in midfield, Celtic are the sponsor’s favourites. Forrest, Dembele, Griffiths and Roberts will be difficult to keep in check.

Celtic have a Supporter’s Liaison Officer in John Paul Taylor. He has agreed to host a regular Q&A with CQN (Celtic Quick News). The first issues on the slate were Resolution 12 and the myth of Rangers being the same club. I have reproduced the following from Paul & David’s excellent social media site:

1. “Does the Celtic Board believe that Rangers should have been granted a UEFA Licence in 2011?  Was Peter Lawwell deliberately duped by Stewart Reagan over the granting of a UEFA Licence to Rangers (In Liquidation) in 2011 as it now transpires that Mr Regan in writing to the Celtic CEO providing him with the wrong date regarding the grant of the licence?  Celtic FC and other clubs were cheated by the “no sporting advantage” LNS verdict. Will Celtic take this to UEFA and challenge the SFA/LNS Verdict?

2. “Will Celtic, as a member club, object to the SPFL official website listing a current member club, calling itself Rangers, as being founded in 1872, and having won over 100 honours, including 54 top-tier titles, thus backing claims from said club that it is Scotland’s most successful, despite it being just over four years old? If not, why not?
Does the Celtic Board believe the club presently playing out of Ibrox is a four-year-old club? Why don’t Celtic make a public statement and clarify their stance on the “same club issue?”
These questions were submitted to John Paul Taylor in advance of the AGM. Mr Taylor articulated them to the Celtic PLC CEO, Peter Lawwell and the CFC Company Secretary, Michael Nicholson. The board members were loath to discuss the UEFA licence debacle prior to meeting with the Resolution 12 requisitioners. It was noted that Celtic do not use the term “Old Firm”nor do they support the “Old Firm” brand.

If Regan, and the most corrupt man in Scottish football, Campbell Ogilvie, conspired with Rangers to grant them a UCL licence then the former will get his jotters. Ogilvie, who is a match delegate for the inordinately corrupt UEFA, has evidently found his level.

By contrast to a polished performance by the CFC board, the Rangers AGM was a more muted affair. King continued to peddle the lie that the directors receive no emoluments despite the kickback Paul Murray receives from Garrion Security. Warburton, whose career as a successful city trader was built on sand, was damned by his Chairman due to the chasm between CFC and the four years old club. If King was ever caught telling the truth, he would probably lie just to keep his hand in. However he did accurately comment on a 60% increase on the player budget which exceeds the collective budget of all other teams in The Scottish Premier League with the exception of Celtic. King asserted that they should not be in a dogfight with Aberdeen & Hearts for a UEFA place. What King failed to mention was that given their sustained losses there was no possibility of a UEFA licence being granted which satisfies FFP legislation. Regan who slipped the RFC licence under the Hotel Du Vin table in 2011 would be so compromised if he attempted to do the same in 2016 that Aberdeen & Hearts would have his head on a plate.

The career criminal Chairman acknowledged that the legal battles with Ashley may continue to be attritional for a period of three years or more. He openly shook the collection tin for other investors, but who in their right mind would invest in this toxic board who are blacklisted in The City? Those with WATP tattooed on their buttocks don’t usually have access to mission critical amounts of disposable income.

Given that the stakeholders in Rangers have the sentient capacity of a dissected amoeba, they don’t realize that King and his rogue board are playing them for fools. If the resolutions are passed, the supporters will pay off all the loans, ergo they have been paying to keep the lights on all along. King and his rogue board will take out their loans and buy more equity at a diluted price. Turkeys voting for Christmas is fast becoming a seasonal tradition at the beleaguered club. However as the amoeba support take their information from The Daily Record, being ripped off is given a positive spin. It might stick in their craw to read the award-winning blogger from Donegal but they would be better informed if they did. Keith Jackson does:

Image by Cartuja

The WATP Juggernaut

King asserted: “deficit funding remains necessary.” Is this King speak for: the financial doping  juggernaut you like is coming back tied up in a new bow?

Image result for coca cola juggernaut images gallery

Rangers have stated unequivocally that they cannot live within their means. They have signalled their intent that they will reintroduce the Ibrox time-honoured tradition of financial doping. What does the SFA require to call time on the rogue board’s UEFA ambitions? Would Regan react if his construct’s board turned their backs, dropped their trousers and twerked at FFP? Would Sandy Bryson rule that the Twerking was imperfect and that as long as they did not moon at FFP they would be eligible?

Image result for twerking on a wrecking ball photos
Financial Fair Play? Surely you jest. WATP

The Career Criminal Chairman also stated that they would accept investment from any source. Was this his tacit acceptance that the funds sourced from Barry Scott in Hong Kong are effectively an exercise in money laundering? I suggest one takes a long hard look at RIFC plc and Club Tropicana prior to parting with one’s hard-earned cash.

Giving a convicted criminal money-what could possibly go wrong?

When looking at RIFC plc in the cold light of day after the AGM, it’s worth noting that this is a company that no bank is prepared to lend to and that no NOMAD is prepared to represent. King and his concert party are looking for an exit strategy as they all realize that they are in over their heads. They’re not prepared to throw more good money after bad. However they will have no qualms about burning the supporters’ money.

When considering RIFC plc as an investment opportunity, the following table is instructive:

  1. Enron.
  2. Lehman Brothers.
  3. Baring Brothers
  4. Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac
  5. Merrill Lynch
  6. UBS
  7. Landsbanki
  8. Anglo Irish Bank
  9. Bear Stearns
  10. RFC plc


All of these companies went bust or are morally bankrupt. Some, including Rangers, were sold for as little as £1. Two of the directors who oversaw the £180m collapse of RFC plc, namely Dave King and Paul Murray, now want you to trust them with their latest enterprise.

Will the gullibilly turkeys really vote for King’s Xmas?

The stupidity of the Rangers stakeholders never fails to amaze me but when they look at the current team that lag Celtic by as many points as there have been games surely they realize that The Johannesburg Joker, Baron Bouffant & The Invisible Man have sold them a pig’s ear for the price of a silk purse? Even with the routine by to the semi-finals of the Scottish Cup the crocked Geriatricos have more chance of hip replacements than silverware this season. Seasons 11/12, 12/13, 13/14, 14/15, 15/16 and 16/17 will be recorded with a conspicuous absence of trophies, and to add insult to injury Celtic look a shoe-in for six in a row and with their financial juggernaut picking up UCL dividends they will be unstoppable. The CFC juggernaut may not bear the livery of WATP but who could doubt that in Scottish Football that they are the people that count, on so many levels.

Black Friday

My intention today was to write the latest instalment of The Secret Diary of Mark Warburton but he has stolen my thunder with a comedy masterclass at the AGM. From what I can glean from a number of Twitter feeds, the unseen hand of Jim Traynor has provided him with a script of the required soundbites. My personal favourite was the gazebo-busting ‘being punished for the transgressions of others.‘ Was he referring to the £250,000 slap on the wrist for 12 years of dual contracts and the fraudulent acquisition of 15-20 titles, not to mention the UEFA FFP transgressions in 2011? I respectfully refer him to Neil Doncaster’s SPFL website where the tainted titles can be seen in all their tarnished splendour. Why not say something original and lay the blame at the feet of David Murray where it truly belongs. SDM introduced dual contracts and systemic tax evasion, pocketing £6.3m in a tax-free EBT as he blatantly subverted Scottish football. He also trousered £500,000 per annum as the most bent man in Scottish football, Campbell Ogilvie, set up trust funds in Jersey and the Isle of Man. Bill Nimmo Smith came to the predetermined conclusion that EBT were legal and that other clubs could have cheated with the same crooked elan of the Govan club. The Inner House of The Court of Session kicked that nonsense into touch and duly declared EBT as illegal. How remiss of Nimmo Smith not to consider the cheating of the DOS/VSS predecessors of EBT. I was looking for a revolving bow-tie and polka-dot boxers shorts as Warburton spoke. The circus has arrived early at the Wide as the Clyde Auditorium.

Image by Unrepentant.

However in his favour Warburton sur-la-mer speaks with conviction and not out the side of his mouth like King. The career criminal solicited applause by announcing that the directors emoluments had dropped from £400,000 to zero. What he did not mention was the nice little earner Paul Murray picks up as a director of Garrion Security. David Murray, who had a finger in every pie, would be proud of Baron Bouffant’s artifice. I’m sure that there’s no truth in the rumour that Paul Murray’s hair has been cast as The Artful Dodger in the Citizen Theatre’s pantomime production of Oliver Twist?

According to the only man to not have passed the SFA’s fit and proper test, which involves Stewart Regan flying over Ibrox in a bi-plane at 10,000 feet and putting both thumbs up, Rangers are ‘well enough resourced‘ to make it into European football. Allow me to demur. What about the sustained losses that far exceed the UEFA five million euros threshold which was introduced to outlaw financial doping? What about the £13m in loans?  Will Regan revert to The Campbell Ogilvie UEFA Playbook and allow Rangers to proceed? Should Aberdeen finish in the second Europa Cup spot their FFP credentials, which were highlighted in their annual returns, will be forced down Regan and his dozy bowling club’s craws. How can one tell if King is lying? His lips are moving.

Apropos close season signings by Perjurer McParland, King asserted that the player budget was increased by 60%. No-one took him to task on how poorly this money was spent on the fractious Barton, the muscle-wasting of Rossiter or the glass knees of Kranjcar who had found his level in the semi-professional second tier of the MLS. The signing policy has been an omnishambles. One can but hope that McParland benefitted in his time-honoured fashion.

It did not take long for King to revert to his favourite bête noire, namely Sports Direct. The career criminal stated that they are hampering the club with an ‘agenda to benefit only themselves.‘ Did self-interest’s introduction to capitalism pass King by when he was robbing orphanages in Johannesburg? My sources suggest that a 75/25 deal that favours the rogue board is on the table. Does the litigious King see this as a sign of weakness and fancy his chances at the Royal Courts of Justice on Thursday, followed by his £4m petition alleging that former directors abnegated on their fiduciary duties?

King has created a state of siege that plays well with the guillibillies. He has a hard-on for Ashley and is happy to use Club Tropicana’s money to pursue him.

When Jim McColl of Clyde Blowers informed Deloitte that he had dodged a bullet when not returning King’s call, he was evidently referring to the current £13m subtotal of loans and £6m for procuring control. King should have had them laughing in the aisles when he posited: ‘the club is not currently in a position to allow truly independent directors on to the board.‘ Does that put paid to James Blair and Halloween Houston at the independent folly of Club Tropicana? Will the well-upholstered James Blair be stepping down as club secretary as he is compromised by his remit as the Tropicana Consigliere?

Is BFDJ unavailable?

If anyone was hoping that King’s children’s inheritance would make a jack-in-the-box appearance then they would have been disappointed that this was a Jackanory narrative from The Johannesburg Joker. King who is noted for his short arms in long pockets containing orange peelings, pointed out that ‘the current board will not expose itself financially chasing success.‘ Permit me to translate this for the hard of understanding: the rogue board of directors are tapped out!

King followed this with a zinger that leapt off the page and looked itself in the mirror: “It is vital board do not abandon their financial plans and invest recklessly in reaction to supporter unhappiness over the team.”

Did the board plan to make a crisis loan of £2.9m in October and rely on the munificence of the SFA to curb the second crisis loan at £1m? Is this the kind of back of a fag packet financial planning that one would expect from a charlatan who claims to be a qualified accountant?  Did he pick up his diploma in a cracker at The Greg’s Xmas party?

When King’s pitch came for the shareholders to allow a career criminal a licence to print money shares he did not disappoint. He claimed that a third of shareholders did not approve of the club being funded by debt? Did he take a straw poll or was he referring to the 34.2% owned by his concert party? The concert party, who are £13m in a hole, do not approve of the club being funded by their debt. Well colour me surprised.

James Blair, who buys his corporate hats from Milliners’R’ Us, announced that the results of today’s votes may not be made public until early next week. I would not hold my breath as the gullibillies will allow the convicted criminal more latitude than a Somali pirate. The circus now moves on to the big top of the  High Courts on Thursday. Will conveyancing solicitor James Blair be on hand to mop King’s bullied brow with the deeds? My heart goes out to the poor lamb. Might I suggest a Riesling from his basement to cheer him up, or did the hair of the dog run off to its rightful owner? King cannot even engage in a Jim White ‘Pimp My Crib’ blow-job without lying.

The Rogue Board refuse to answer questions as they make a quick exit down the fire escape. With Celtic already out of sight rose petals for King were in short supply.


In my previous article there was a spoof mock-up of a Daily Rectum front page.The use of rectum is apposite on so many levels as strike action is planned to oppose so many employees in the beleaguered title being given the Xmas bums’ rush. The Rectum has long passed the stage where it is sustainable. The average daily sales are fast approaching 150,000 where editorial heads would roll. The hapless hacks currently spend more time on their resumes than they do on copy. One can but hope that Ralston & Jackson join Jack & BFDJ at The Evening Shark Jump, with Martin Williams’ Engine Room Subsidiary reportage completing the Blue Full House.

One nation under a Level 5 groove: