The Thief Football Writer

Should I be flattered when Martin Williams of The Herald takes my exclusive of four days ago (JJ passim: Show me the money!) and reproduces this:

Rangers chief’s South Africa investment firm in deal to sell off most of its financial services wing.”

Did Williams think that no-one would notice his unabashed plagiarism? Think again. It was brought to my attention by E-Tims and others. This is not a social media backwater like the SFM, Mr.Williams. On your next visit (are you ever away?) have a look at the hits counter. It’s fast approaching 9m. My reach on WordPress is global. Your organ’s West Central Scotland readership of 66,000, with a smattering of sales in other Scottish regions, on a par with the attendance of a Shinty game, proves that you are still a provincial newspaper that has dropped the pretence of being a respected U.K. Broadsheet. It must have stung to have been excluded from the M.O.D briefings on The Falklands conflict in 1982 and dismissed as a regional paper of minor import. Changing your title from The Glasgow Herald to The Herald fooled no-one. It was the same tired old hacks without an original thought in their heads churning out blue turds that had been buffed to perfection. If you must rip off my work Mr Williams, have the common courtesy of name checking your source. I have caught you on two occasions. If there is a third, I will write an open letter to your editor and inquire why he pays you to pass off other people’s work as your own.

You are much more effective on Twitter despite the challenges of stretching your limp copy to 140 characters. Your ‘twisted blood’ when attempting to pass off your continuation myth – the Engine Room Subsidiary theory – was comedy gold. Was your Engine Room Subsidiary a private limited company or the ethereal concept that was laughed out of court? As Charles Green’s counsel clearly stated, his client bought a basket of assets from a distressed company that is being liquidated. He did not buy Rangers or more risibly its history. The idea of Rangers continuing is for the birds. Your grubby title’s ABC 1 readership has fallen off a cliff. You will find them here, on my site. Why wait for your poor late facsimile of my work when one can read it here first hand? Do you offer free access to the unwaged as I do? Of course not. Every pound is a prisoner at The Herald Group.

Matt Lindsay, your partner in crime, is so far up Jim Traynor’s arse that he can smell Jim’s haemorrhoids cream. As opposed to Williams’ Thief Football Writer tag, Lindsay calls himself a ‘Chief’ Football Writer. The use of ‘chief’ suggests that Lindsay has been passed over for promotion and also missed out on a salary hike. It’s what the penny-pinching Herald do best. Chris Jack was handed the title of chief when he was in an incubator for prematurely born babies. In some parts of the South East, chief is an epithet for ‘wanker.’ How apposite. This is what passes for  sports copy From Lindsay at The Herald

Rangers v Motherwell Scottish Cup tickets available next week

Ibrox Stadium.
Ibrox Stadium.
22 Dec 2016 / Matthew Lindsay, Chief Football Writer / @MattLindsayHT

RANGERS supporters can buy tickets for the William Hill Scottish Cup game against Motherwell from Tuesday, December 27.

The fourth round match between the Ladbrokes Premiership rivals will kick-off at Ibrox at 12.30pm on Saturday, January 21.

Season ticket holders will have until Thursday, January 5, to buy their own seat. A full public sale will commence on Friday, January 6.

Tickets cost £20 for adults, £15 for concessions and £7 for juniors and can be purchased by calling the ticket hotline on 0871 702 1972 or by going to the Rangers Ticket Centre.”

This is an infomercial for Rangers. Did Lindsay owe Traynor a favour, or is this booked revenue? We realise that Rangers will struggle to make payroll this month but this takes cheerleading to the fifth level. Lindsay is not just cutting BFDJ’s grass, he is mowing his lawn.

Meanwhile in the tabloids, the Winter Break has led to a renascence of the silly season. I almost spluttered my world-class cereal ( Sultana Bran with reconstituted oat husks, Soya macrobiotic milk and a chopped organically grown West Indies banana – eat your heart out Auchenhowie) when I read the following from the ‘Aye Pish’ Rectum’s Keith Jackson:

First Ronaldo Then Rangers.

This Tweet was so irritating that it was sponsored by Canesten.

In one fell swoop, continuing the thrush metaphor, Jackson managed to introduce a picture of Ronaldo into his piece on Toral, whom he described as the on-loan Arsenal ace, despite this ace never having played for the Arsenal first team. But when did the facts matter when you can shine a Toral turd and pass it off as an ace. Rangers have as much connection to Ronaldo as I have an invitation to a party in Rihanna’s panties. Will the latest Rangers crock report immediately to sick bay, or will he drop by the Chelsea Pensioners Club for some bon mots from Hill and Miller?

Let’s hope Rangers can ensure that Toral has an evening meal and does not play pass the parcel around the approved (Must have portraits of King Billy in a gay wig and Her Majesty on display) blue b&b as was the case with a  ‘Spurs ace.’

Meanwhile El Warbiola has jetted out to Spain to speak with a play maker, and ended up talking to a paella maker. It was an easy mistake to make on the Desperate Dan-Air flight.

The SMSM are besides themselves trying to put lipstick on the Rangers’ squad pigs. They have even bandied about figures such as £2m for Kiernan. I am as fond of a good jape as any, but I would not pay more than a pound for every point of his BMI index, and even then I would feel short-changed.

West Ham have tabled a bid of £20m for Dembele. If this were accepted the CFC fans would tear up Peter Lawwell’s heated driveway brick by brick (or slab by slab for the Sitonfence pedants – good of you to look in.)

Rangers are introducing a buy one get one free happy hour in January. If you order McKay between 6-8 p.m. you get Senderos free.

Somehow I cannot envisage the Thief Football Writer running with this gag, but no-one would have to colour me surprised if Williams’ next piece was on Julian Assange.


Published by



43 thoughts on “The Thief Football Writer”

  1. JJ,

    Your reference to the ‘Herald’ infomercial was interesting. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. Aged over 70, I had bought the ‘Herald’ faithfully since my teens, despite vowing to give it up umpteen times.

    Laterally I only bought it because my wife liked the puzzle page which was more intellectually challenging than the sports pages, but when I read that so called ‘article’ I made up my mind never to buy it again.

    I now buy my wife puzzle books.

    Hope you received my small donation the other day.

  2. I must complain that the near death production that is the Herald gets a mention in the same paragraph as the magnificent sport of Shinty. Shinty is an honest sport ran by good people who do it for nothing more than the love of the game. A glorified fanzine manned by failing copy and pasters surely bears no comparison ;o)

      1. many years ago now i played shinty, when i was 12 i played for my under 16 team and when aged 15 was in the first team… not having much money for kit i went out onto the field fo play each saturday with a scotsman magazine in each sock as a makeshift set of shinpads*. being quite a small 15 year old and playing against some pretty rough characters i used to come home well battered and bruised but absolutely loved it.

        * can i point out that although these shinpads may have been imperfectly registered as recognised safety gear they actually gave no sporting advantage thus allowing me to retain the full history of honours won while wearing them…..

        didn’t even cost me a pound..!!

  3. JJ interesting comment on whether the ticket information was booked revenue or just a freebie from a conflicted writer.
    Do these so called journos not realise, that apart from the gullibles, everyone else is mocking them. They have become a source of fun, not news.
    Toral described as the Arsenal ace….really, on what basis?
    Just as the UK government’s post Brexit plans are being made up as they go along, it’s clear that the Ibrox outfit is operating on a hand to mouth basis.
    There is no 5 year plan, there is no strategy, all the thinking is short term, the recruitment of the Arsenal ace another example. Add to that the reported additional year’s contracts to be given to two near 40 year old players.
    Level 5 has done a great job in the main by keeping the fan base onside but when you read posts where Gers fans are claiming that the club is in a good place at the moment it’s time to break out the straightjacket.
    With another Garner payment due, January payroll on the horizon, no Jan gate income, no credit line from a bank and the SDI court case hurtling towards them, there’s a storm heading for Govan.
    By the way JJ have you heard anything on the WiFi court case?

  4. You couldn’t make it up……..the Daily Radar has an in depth article on Toral’s genetic knees issue.
    Let’s hope the Rangers medical team are on enhanced overtime rates, they must be raking it in……..Niko, Crooks, Windass, Rossiter, Senderos, Garner.
    Is it a pre requisite for a Warbs/McParland signing to arrive with a sick note in hand?

  5. The Herald’s long slow decline is sad, as is the putrefaction of most of the MSM. The maturation of the journalism genre exemplified by JohnJames (and others) is to be greatly appreciated. High quality (and improving) writing, biting wit and fearless analysis. Troublesome and provocative too, aye …. but impossible to ignore. Keep going!!

  6. The Scottish sports press pack are a troop of chimps led by Traynor. Apeing other people’s work is their established modus operandi.
    Jackson and Waddell have both lifted my lengthy paragraph comments on a newspaper comments Board and published them the next day in the rancid and Sunday Maelstrom. The evidence is damning.
    They are sports writer charlatans.


  7. Have you seen the SFM accounts? 5k pound for rent – 1.2K for moderation yet they produce an article once a quarter are their subscribers of their heads.

    1. If people are content to pay then fair enough, their choice. You cannot have enough lights shining on the (non) governance of our game. Fair play to all those lifting those stones to let us peer under.
      Our journalists should be doing this but we have so few worthy of the title.

  8. Excellent as usual JJ, some quality lines in there. Like a few others I was once a faithful Herald reader but no more. The quality of the “journalism” is very poor for the most part but plagiarism is the greatest crime for any writer is it not? I wouldn’t wait for a third time to shop him to be quite honest.

  9. I have to admit that I’ve been a ‘lurker’. Pretty much from the start of your fantastic writing. Having given up an 18 year careeer and returned to college,I kind of hid in the background. However your last 3 posts compelled me to contribute,I’ll try and make it more regular. Keep up the good work. YNWA.

  10. Sorry JJ but West Ham have not made a bid of £20m for Dembele.. That was from an article on the West Ham Website which the Board have now disowned as have Celtic

      1. And has Lawwell got Stilyan Petrov in the Rancid stating Dembele is worth £25m?

        500k to PL
        500k to BR
        £10m to DD
        £3m on a replacement
        The rest on salaries and Opex

  11. A terrific piece full of killer lines which made me giggle. Lady Mensch is still laughing having read your piece and passes on her best wishes.

    1. Always great to hear from you and Lady Mensch. I have just received a letter from Teddy & Natasha (The Bears) who send their love. I hope to get round to responding tomorrow.

      1. Brilliant article as always. Was there any follow up with the Gough letter?
        Looking forward to Ted and Nat tomorrow.

  12. Another excellent article JJ, I can understand you ire at the plagiarism committed Against you, but always remember that “imitation is the highest form of flattery”

    Bring Me The Head of John James.
    Why of why do these Knuckle draggers not understand that you have the well being Of TRFC but more importantly the whole of Scottish football at heart? Perhaps they do But wish to make themselves out to be some kink of hero for threatening you.
    I pray to God that you are kept safe.

    A couple of months ago I sent a donation plus paid for a virtual seat and Promised another donation to follow. As I’m a man of my word here is another donation To help you keep up the good fight.

  13. Hi JJ , paypal not working for me any other way to donate? Maybe same with others? No PC can’t fulfill criteria to create account, all ok for first payment but can’t do second.

  14. Jj surely it must be extremely satisfying for you that ‘journalists’ are now stealing your exclusives. This obviously proves the real news is to be found on blogs like this and also that you and a few others are the go to for the truth and the facts?

  15. You sir are the epitome of fearless journalism, with your no holds bared exclusive reporting and biting satire, you are a must read every day and definitely need to be nourished. Please accept my humble scraps to help stave off any oncoming financial malnutrition. Timbri

  16. Someone can correct me if need be but I am sure Neil Harman ,for years an excellent tennis correspondent for the Times, lost his career for an act of plagiarism on his book.
    I guess by comparison in the Scottish media your man will now be promoted .

  17. Another good article JJ, these journos aren’t worth the cost of the paper they write for. Further articles (if there is enough info available) on the WiFi case and EBT would be welcome – my favourite is the EBT list as I would like to know who the the unamed recipients are(conflict of interest?). Keep up the good work.

  18. if murray pee has been rumbled by the not so rogue in a brogue element of the trfc board surely he will cancel the icas lecture. a tenner to sit and look at a hairstyle for an hour and a half seems a bit much anyway……….

  19. Toral Toral Toral, was that not a film about Japaknees kamikaze pilots ? how appropriate that this guy is on the verge of signing for the mighty sevco, he will probably be doing his signing on presser from the Southern General car park.

  20. Mr Williams used to follow and unfollow me with monotonous regularity when I once held an anonymous twitter account.

    It was filled with jolly japes and had some intriguing “conversations” with Stewart Regan and many others over the years. Mr Williams would appear at the tail end of many of these interactions and sure as night follows day, certain articles included many references which were clearly gleaned online.

    Hey Martin “Unga Bunga!” If you’re scanning this!

    Going further back, the retired former Kilmarnock and Celtic winger with the “Hair Bear” perm used to have a column in the News of the World which seemed, alarmingly, to include a lot of the more informed information from the AOL football message boards.

    Incidentally, does anyone know how Judith The Weather is getting along these days?

    Oh, finally, I also had great fun with the Inverness Caledonian Thistle supporter, Matthew Lindsay. He really didn’t appreciate my favourite lookalike for him as John Candy in Spaceballs

    Stay safe JJ

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s