Dear JJ-King’s Flush

Dear JJ,

Greetings from a pineapples and beans (wet & windy) Chalfont St. Giles. I do my utmost to maintain my Christmas cheer despite some doorstepper from Oxfam suggesting that I refer to Yuletide as a Winter Festival? Has the world gone mad to appease the latest Nigerian Hill Tribe that has settled on our sceptred isle? I gave him short shrift and threw snowballs at his increasingly soggy bottom as he made good his escape. He will  get more change out of our camp vicar who loves nothing more than a pink oboe recital, if some tittle-tattle that Natasha picked up is true. Natlicious sends her love. She is bent over in the back seat of our cherished Bentley Flying Spur trying to remove the smell of fish suppers from the leather upholstery with Fabreze. Which reminds me that I must give the old girl a tuning; and book the Bentley into the garage for good measure. I could get a mobile valet round, but a wave of nostalgic reverie envelops me as I watch Nat getting hot and steamy in the back of our car. It reminds one of our courting days. I’m now banned from taking the Bentley to the local frying emporium. I’ll have to revert to Cherie, my convertible deux chevaux or Nat’s new Tesla, which I’m fairly certain takes down the entire St. Giles grid when charging overnight.

When my thoughts turn to Ibrox,  I’m torn between the latest edition of Angling Times and the Rangers Fanzine, The Evening Shark Jump. Nat gets a copy of the latter by subscription as cat litter for Superally, our pet Siamese, who more often than not is a dirty stop-out. Dumping on Chris Jack’s copy is catnip to Superally. I have not got the heart to tell him that Jim Traynor of Level 5 has beaten him to it.

Will the Old Lady of Edmiston Drive be wearing a mantilla of netting when we next visit?  Natasha has been through the white pages looking for adrenaline sports insurers, to no avail. We were offered a Siegried & Roy tiger package, but as the magicians had lost their no-claims bonus the premiums were too high. It would appear that swimming in a child’s paddling pool with irikanji and box jellyfish is less dangerous than visiting Ibrox. Natasha has arranged a Skype call with the Las Vegas Flying Elvises, so I remain hopeful :

Is the clear and present danger of roof collapse at the heart of the conspicuous absence of King, Murray and WATP from the directors’ box at Ibrox?  Did Paul Murray demur from wearing a hard hat as it threatened the integrity of his well coiffed bouffant? It was rather alarming to note that the three leading lights of the hostile takeover, the Satanic Illuminati, all went fishing for the day. Were they trying out the roof nets in a local salmon farm, prior to a visit to Blair Drummond Safari Park to assimilate how the nets would thwart a spate of attempted suicides by Bears as the gap between Celtic and the Sevco Strollers reached thirty points?

Could their absence be linked to Dodgy Dave picking up a cool £10m and change from the sale of his Financial Services division, Micromega Malfeasance? £10m that could save the roofs from developing the properties of Hindenburg Zeppelins? Mr King did not want this information in the public domain and arranged for Jim Traynor to sit on it. If it were not for your exclusive and Martin Williams’ Pulitzer Prize Plagiarism four days later, one would not be aware that King now has the wherewithal to fix the roofs. Of course exchange controls might prove a stumbling block but surely they would be no barrier to our dear leader who had a ‘favourable result’ with SARS?

Meanwhile El Warbiola, who does not know his arse from his elbow or his play maker from his paella maker, is being saddled with another Mac Bung casualty. A John Toral’s Knees Meccano set might be the ideal Xmas gift, but is somewhat lame in January. Toral is not in any way an Ace, just another Mac Bung deuce. Does Mac Bung receive a bonus for placing crocks? Finding a working knee at Auchenhowie should not require the services of a metal detector.

Natasha has pencilled in our next visit to Ibrox as the home Scottish Cup tie after we deal with Motherwell on the 21st. The SFA know that we badly need the money, so a home tie against a ‘diddy club’ is a gimme.

I’m sure Paul Murray and Stewart Regan will work it out over foie gras at Hotel Du Vin as they engage in a playful game of ‘Toupee or To Pay.’ The player who identifies the least syrup figs from a list of Scottish football slapheads must settle the bill.

There are a couple of people pressing the video intercom at the coach house. Natasha has just asked whether we would entertain guests from The Church of Latter Day Saints. That will be those bloody Osmonds again. They believe that dark skin is a curse from God for wickedness. Not exactly a winning formula at the Notting Hill Carnival. They are whistling some ditty about Ugandan discussions apropos a hirsute Scouser, hoping that I’ll let them in, but they’re onto plums as far as I’m concerned. I suggested to Natlicious that she send them packing with a posy of paper roses.

On the topic of Uganda, Barbara sends her love. She really enjoyed your tryst at Xmas, prior to your exile in Asia.

Stay safe JJ,

Yours in Rangers,

Edward (Teddy) Bear Esquire,

The Chalfont Edwardian Estate,

Chalfont St. Giles,



Dear Teddy,

Always a pleasure to hear from you in a faraway corner of the globe. I thoroughly enjoyed Xmas at the Coach House and my meaningful Ugandan confrontation with Barbara. Please send her and Lady Bear my love.

Things at Auchenhowie are not what they used to be. When the rag and bone man rolls by on the Milngavie road shouting ‘Any old iron‘ a number of players furtively glance at their knees. Some like Senderos should be sold for their scrap value.

John Toral, who was not selected to face Real Madrid, was the subject of Keith Jackson’s most fanciful claim that he could not join Rangers until he played against Ronaldo. I wonder how his non-selection will be spun for the blue massif? Was he saving himself for Rangers?  Should he not arrive in a wheelchair or on a stretcher he’ll go directly into the first team squad. If he arrives on crutches, El Warbiola will have to make a judgement call.

Meanehile Celtic have signed Kouassi Eboue and await a work permit. He looks like another who could command a lucrative premium after a couple of seasons in the SPFL. He has joined up with his new team mates for some warm weather training in Dubai. All Rangers can afford is jogging on the spot in the night watchman’ s greenhouse.

To top up his Garrion Securities stipend, Paul Murray is giving a talk on his part in the £25,000 acquisition of hacked information, black propaganda, share devaluation and carpet bagging. Just what you would expect from any CA worth his salt, or anyone passing himself off as a CA as was the case with King. Dodgy Dave’s ICMA from the University of Brigadoon does not bear much scrutiny.

King is at pains to conceal how much he trousered from selling Micromega Malfeasance as there are many hungry mouths to feed at Ibrox, including Stewart Robertson who pulled down £233,000 including a £53,000 bonus. I wonder who leaked this information to the press?

Is Robertson being briefed against?  Will Ally’s garden shears find a good home?  Apparently the highly paid factotum has been having robust discussions with the career criminal apropos a prospective move to Hampden, as per the Woolgar Hunter recommendations. Meanwhile Glasgow City Council continue their Guinness Book of Records attempt for the longest game of I-Spy in a coal bunker.

Robertson should console himself with the discovery of the Ibrox catacombs which lead directly to the old SFA headquarters in Park Gardens. Will King approve their extension to Hampden to get Robertson off their books?

Yours in exile,



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26 thoughts on “Dear JJ-King’s Flush”

  1. I can divulge that TRFC set aside cultural differences, in their desperation, and have decamped to Lourdes for the winter break.

    Auld Parky provided a free chair lift bus, with an Orange folk singer driver, for the mission.

    Warby got wind of rumours of a remarkable tonic water and scented candles therapy. The decision was made. Unfortunately he thought Lourdes was in Spain and packed the wrong phrase book.

    More to follow….follow.

    Mr King, Mr Murray and Mr Gilligan don’t really care anymore. Their obsessive compulsive disorder regarding Celtic FC and their failure to make inroads to Celtic supremacy has rendered them incapable of functioning. Bitter in their ways, they refused the water and candles healing. Hell will mend them.

    Warby has promised to bring copious quantities of the miracle water back to sprinkle on the roofs.

  2. I see the Daily Record are claiming that Rangers are looking at Bournemouth midfielder Emerson Hyndman. Surprised? I didn’t even know he was injured!

    1. I suspect there could be another record claimed by rangers this month. Most players linked with a move to Ibrox in one transfer window.

      However it will be unsuccessful in most cases even though the Warbler will be jetting all over to persuade these gifted young gents to sign up. All that talent wasted to some other wee diddy club.

      Looks like Crooks (the player and not any given board member) is bemoaning the fact he is being touted for a move. Poor guy does not seem to have much choice especially if there is some enticement involved, bottle of Irn bru and a mars bar will seal it.

      At least 3 potentials moving out it seems (after a couple of months at the club), that and the Barton fiasco will not really help the rangers sell their club to many prospective young superstars to Ibrox, maybe back to the ‘over the hill’ journeyman basket for recruits, the pension top up team.

      I think Rossiter would be a move candidate but realistically no danger of any team taking a chance on the boy who’ll never be football fit (no disrespect to him, I wish him every luck) , well except rangers.

  3. Meanwhile the SMSM have an 11th and 12th player associated with a Sevco transfer. Anything to sell ‘NEWS’papers.

    ‘LIES’papers appears more accurate.

    We are also told Jota is not transferring as he has just played for Brentford. Jota has never heard of Sevco and the English/ local Brentford press were writing he was going straight into the team for over a week.

    1. His SMSM genetic knee was an excuse, squirrel to promote ‘we don’t want him’ , as it was realised he wasn’t going anywhere near Ibrox.

      Traynor really is a stupid stupid potato.

  4. Yes it seems Stewart Robinson has most certainly been flung under the bus, why else would his and only his salary and bonus be shoved out into the public? no doubt things are changing and the lying king seems to have put rifc onto the back burner as there is absolutely no chance of any recompense of his 20 million which is the only reason he is in there in the first and last place.
    Its quite amazing how each and every player shoved forward for a loan spell with rifc suddenly becomes not good enough as soon as he drops out of any chance of a move to rifc

    1. Clearly Robertson has questioned the value of employing Jabba. So Jabba releases his confidential salary into the media. What is the public interest of media outlets publishing such personal info? I suggest a complaint is in order.

      1. This is my reading of the situation. Traynor is a luxury that they can ill afford. Twelve players have now been paraded as prospective loanees to give the impression that all is hunky dory at the club. This is what Traynor does for a living. If the shares had not been delisted, his artifice would have inflated share prices. However in the current climate briefing the press to give Rangers fans a feelgood factor after their third successive defeat to Celtic, is of limited value. He should be cut or at least mothballed until season tickets are back on the agenda.

      2. I want to know how a company with one (skint) client can afford the premises that Level 5 occupy. The whole thing is very odd.

    2. Stewart Robertson’s salary details together with the other director getting a salary and published in the TRFC accounts which appeared on the Companies House web site just before Christmas.
      Nobody leaked them but I dare say our sports press would have to be guided to the information.

      1. OK, so the salaries are public record but Scottish football hacks couldn’t find the end of their…. noses, if it wasn’t posted on Twitter. Definitely an agenda here.

  5. When they stop paying Traynor, and the court cases and super injunctions are expired, Traynors warts and all book will blow everyone away. A nice little f*ck u all retirement fund to the Cote d’azure.

    He was on the inside with sir david Murray from the start. Providing copy for the Knight’s editing before publication. Ditto for Craig Whyte, Charles green and Glib and Shameless King.

    Yes Traynor is the deep throat who could get them all sent down.

  6. It is my considered opinion that Traynor is a disgusting slug of a man. What about Celtic’s descent into mediocracy, Jim? How did that work out for you? Do any other potential cases exist? I’m sure you will keep us reliably informed.

  7. A superb piece which had Lady Mensch giggling into our Sunday morning cocktails.

    Your exclusives are beyond the reach of the Scottish press.

    Terrific diligence and a Sunday treat. Well, apart from the cocktails.

    Thank you for taking the time to prepare those ‘Dear JJ’ articles.

    Refreshing and funny.

    In the meantime, Rangers continue to struggle for cash whilst Celtic are floating on an ocean buoyed by cash.

    Incidentally, I tuned in to BBC Alba last night quite accidentally and watched the Jimmy Johnstone documentary. What a sublime player and terrific tributes from his team mates and Rangers players, especially Mr Henderson who was so very fond of him.

    It was a great tribute of a documentary of someone whom I knew little. What a player!

    1. Agree wholeheartedly with TM. The family, especially Mrs Johnstone , are a credit to Scotland. Messrs Auld and Henderson also hugely impressive.

  8. two airport interviews now appear highly significant in this trfc saga……

    llambias correctly advised trfc fans to get dcking to show them the money


    dcking admitting mike ashley had the wealth to “knock me about a bit” IF they were vying for control of liverpool, but they werent and so it was safe to back him in his “north of £25mill” moment, BUT he added thats where “your brian kennedys etc come in” AND they havent aparently !!!!!!

    The only way out of this is for mike ashley to still want a b team.

  9. Anyway I hope you have all been contributing to the quarterly fund raising jamboree for SFM. Come on they need your support they have premises, moderators, and even court reporters, foriegn correspondents as far a field as Australia to support, and you know what they are not only the guardians of the truth but the self proclaimed indefagitable communicators of their version of the truth – we know so because vast intellectuals such as John Clark and Homunclus say so. It is just a pity the formers repetitive speech phenomena and the latters belief he has control of the mind, when in truth he slopped out of Big Pinks backside a long time ago, are not able to drum up support … come on pay up they can’t afford to survive on soft loans for ever – and how ironic is that.

    1. I’ll be having an objective look at the SFM in my next article. It will be balanced and measured. I will be wearing my velvet gloves. Would readers prefer a bare-knuckled Big Pink v JJ brawl? I have the versatility to do both.

      1. JJ just tell the truth – that is what they claim to be the purveyors off and that will be most damaging.

      2. Don’t be too hard on them JJ.
        Although I seldom go on that site these days. They are essentially on the same side as you. SFM would be better if it wasn’t so Celtic fan dominated.
        This site is the place most people with an interest turn to.
        Keep up the good work.
        I will donate as soon as I can

    2. In defence of those who post on SFM, they tend to be able to correctly spell words such as foreign, afield and indefatigable, to say nothing of the above absence of appropriate apostrophes. Hamish Magroghihn has committed the most basic schoolboy error of commenting on another’s lack of intellect whilst displaying his own. Tsk tsk!

      Having said the above, does it not make more sense to hold some kind of amicable ceasefire between SFM and JJ’s site, given the commonality of intent? Current hostilities bring to mind the mindboggling complexity created by the myriad of factions involved in the Syrian conflict, fighting each other whilst many had essentially the same aims.

  10. Prior to decamping to España at the weekend, I noticed that excavation work is being done at the Hampden “park and ride”; moreover, the Sooside Statue of Liberty building at Queens Drive was bedecked in scaffolding, possibly due to the work of “Scottish Water” nearby. Your reference to the extension of the Sevco Catacombs to Mount Florida surely explains the stench at Queens Drive better than the cover story about sewer improvement.

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