Prior to publishing this article I take pause to acknowledge that this site will have earned 9,000,000 hits by midnight tonight, which is no mean feat for one man in exile. However this site’s success would not be possible without the support of my generous sponsors, the readers, and their ever eloquent comments that as I write are fast approaching 24,000. We have come a long way since a couple of rag – tag Rangers fans commented on my first blog. Here’s to the next 9m hits and 50,000 comments.
All conflations fit into one of two major categories: “congruent” conflations and “incongruent” conflations. Incongruent conflation occurs when the root expressions do not mean the same thing, but share a common word or theme. For example Emerson Hyndman is known to shave of a morning. Andrea Pirlo also favours a beard trim. Other than this and the basic ablutions of Homo Sapiens they have nothing in common. Maybe Andrea Pirlo’s number twos are what Kevin Bridges refers to as ‘wee ghosties‘ and hit the u-bend like a skeleton bobsleigh on the Cresta run; whereas Emerson, benefitting from the World Class breakfasts at Auchenhowie , is in and out of the traps with the speed of a downhill racer with dysentery. Even my improbably far-fetched Winter Sports ablutions connection would be perfectly acceptable at the SMSM. They would turn tricks to solicit the blue pound.
The Level 5 Squirrel, Sevcon 1, is airborne. The loans must be ramped up to deflect from the conspicuous absence of King’s £30m. King promised gold but provided Caramac wrappers.
In popular culture, identities are sometimes intentionally conflated. In the early 2000s, the popular American actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dating, and the tabloid press referred to them playfully as a third entity, Bennifer.
Should we refer to Emerson Hyndman as PishPirlo or maybe Emeritus of Pishery?
No-one does humorous conflation better than Keith Jackson at the Rectum (Real Arseholes Read The Rectum).
Keith had John Toral conflated with Christiano Ronaldo. Toral was on loan at Granada, who were slated to play Real Madrid. This gave rise to Jackson’s infamous:
” Rangers must wait until I play Ronaldo.”
However this University of Pishery doctorate dissertation did not pass muster when Toral was left on the bench and was last seen applying WD 40 to his knees.
The following headline was ready for publication under Jackson’s byline:
“Jota to give Brown his jotters.”
But sadly his alliterative squirrel had the appeal of a soiled toilet brush when Jota told Warburton to go polish his own turds as he was heading back to Brentford. Have the facsimile club sank so low that Brentford is preferred to Rangers? Was a ‘haddock’ fish supper and a bottle of Irn Bru not up to Jota’s tapas standards? Rumours that Warburton flew with Jet Airways so that Jota could ‘jet in’ are probably unfounded.
The gap is 19 points going on 22. The laughter at Celtic Park could be composed into a 1922 Overture. At times like this, who better to turn to than The Cardigan.
Walter would have King spend as much as possible to prevent the calamity of 10 in a row. Smith’s EBT fuelled juggernaut delivered 9 in a row with bursts of dual contracts nitrous oxide cheating. But then what’s a little subterfuge with friends like Jim Farry who was rumoured to drive his car and masturbate using a Masonic grip. I believe he had a degree of auto-erotic satisfaction.
Sadly Walter, Uncle Dave is as bent as a counterfeit ten bob note. How he managed to sell Micromega Malfeasance beggars belief, but now that he has trousered the readies there’s more chance of him investing in Rangers than the Bishop of Scotland engaging in some ad hoc benediction at The Louden Arms (Real Paramilitaries Drink at The Louden).
Ten in a row is not only possible, it’s highly probable. Celtic are a ‘Harmony of the Seas’ supercruiser, whereas Rangers are a King’s Park pedalo powered by Oscar ‘I was bursting for a Greyfriar’s M’Lady’ Pistorius’ stumps.