Felicitations old chum from Teddy and Natasha in our Chalfonts Indian Summer idyll. Our local Indian restaurants – The Pukka Sahib and The Full Raj – are doing a roaring trade. I spotted Jim White going the full Raj in his yellow tie and matching boxer pants. I have no idea why he dropped his trousers. Does he think he’s Richard Gough? I had hoped that we had seen the last of him after he disgraced himself by slipping the tongue on Lady Bear as she was putting in a shift on the Ladies Guild ‘Kiss me quick’ stall at the summer fete. What part of Kiss Me Quick does he not get? Does he think he’s in France where they coined the term Cinq Minutes Frenchie?
I note that Scotland put three past yet another failed Baltic statelet. Even if they had gone the full Big Fat Derek Johnstone – who scored six with two clearly offside – do away from home goals count double? – there would no reason for optimism. Slovakia will give us a Thursday evening spanking at Hampden. Some of the old boys in The Chalfonts County Cricket Club would pay good money if they dressed up as ‘Matron’ to deliver some much needed corporal punishment. Our club secretary Max Mosley would prefer Nazi uniforms but the least said about him the better. I blame the public schools.
I digress. I note that The Hearts Holy Trinity – Craig Levein The Father, Son & Holy Ghost (his appearance between the sticks is understated) had the temerity to ask for a cool million, up front, for Jamie Walker. Does he not realise, as Primark Pedro appositely put it, that We Are The People? How remiss of him not to apply the WATP discount.
Even Cub Reporter Chris Jack took pause to remove his retainer to opine that Hearts would have to make the first move. Could Levein not have settled for an EBT in the time-honoured tradition?
Playing Gypsy Thief to Primark’s Gypsy Kings is beyond the pale. Jamie Walker, whose heart was set on the 5 a.m. world class breakfasts and naughty step 6 a.m. training will not be a happy bunny. He should console himself with a full night’s rest which seems to have done wonders for O’ Halloran in his loan move to St. Johnstone. Primark’s opinion that he is not good enough for his second tier ‘Less than Speedy’ Gonzales team of misfits will not play well when they try to offload him to Tommy Wright after his loan expires. A fish supper and a bottle of Irn Bru might be the best offer on the table, with a fish tea sell-on clause. How remiss of Primark to diss his own player.
Craig Levein should know better. Has he not learned anything since his SFA £5,000 fine in 2008 after speaking out of turn after a curious run-in to the title encounter at Ibrox on May 10th of that year? Levein was the manager of Dundee United at that time.
On the day in question, McCurry wrongly disallowed a goal by United’s Danny Swanson for offside, elected not to award Levein’s team a penalty when last man David Weir clearly brought down Noel Hunt and also failed to penalise both Daniel Cousin for butting Lee Wilkie and Kirk Broadfoot for punching Hunt.
The refereeing was so bent that it was a throwback to The Struth Era and the blatant cheating in favour of the draft-dodging shipyard workers who won WW II regional titles with more than a little help from their friends.
What did he expect from Sir Bribe & Lie’s EBT Juggernaut? A level playing field? At Ibrox? His after-dinner speeches must be a real hoot.
As you know JJ, Lady Bear and I love nothing more that toodling along the B-roads of Cornwall in our Rolls Royce Corniche. She’s an absolute classic. Only one previous owner and surprisingly low in tread. Lady Bear is wearing well. On finding a cove that a smuggler would be proud of, I set up our Martini sun canopy and indulge in some crumpet and clotted cream. Having tended to Natasha I open my thermos of Earl Grey Tea, adding three table spoonfuls of 25 Years Old Macallan from my hip flask; one for each cup and one for the pot. I then lay out some freshly delivered smoked salmon canapés from Fortnum & Mason.
I offten throw a curl of salmon at our much beloved Akita dog ‘Gazza’ who is quite partial to flute music. He has a discerning ear. More a GIRFUY Famine Song than Jethro Tull if truth be told. However there is none of the barking that seems to be a familiar theme in Primark Pedro’s caravan excursions. I once found a wayward Gazza whining at Stevenage Railway Station, but I put that down to the Burke & Hare McCanns who were stinking up the first class waiting room in their pathology gowns. Fearing that Cuddle Cat would be ripped apart I ushered Gazza away from the cadaverine-crusted criminals and made good our escape to a local butcher to pick up a rack of lamb for Gazza’s elevenses. All’s well that ends well. Unlike our Europa Cup exit which was a clusterfucked omnishambles.
How are things in exile old chum? Are you and Lord Lucan sitting down to afternoons of Canasta to a backdrop of Wildebeest? Torquay can be quite nice at this time of year.
As the McCanns would say I’ll love you and leave you.
Yours in Rangers,
Edward (Teddy) Bear Esquire
The Home On The Range Estate
Chalfont St. Giles
Thank you for getting in touch. The vial of Lady Bear’s old bath water was very thoughtful. My Elba Tulips are coming up a treat.
I concur that Craig Curmudgeon Levein is as easy to deal with as Daniel Levy with toothache. Alex Ferguson remarked that hip surgery was preferable to sitting down with Levy to discuss money.
During the tenure of Sir Bribe & Lie, a helpful EBT would often be used to oil the wheels of transfer progress. Graeme Souness and Walter Smith tucked away tidy sums for their transfer amelioration. Could one not have conjured up a tax-efficient dodge for old times sake? No names, numbers, or Supreme Court pack drill? It could have been imperfectly registered as an endowment from Dave King’s Aunt Fanny (deceased) safe in the knowledge that the SFA would brush it under their Hampden shag pile.
Chris Union Jack is getting his training bra in a twist about the Jamie Walker impasse. Suffice to say that he can sign a pre-contract in January, with the Rangers-facing SFA setting a peppercorn development fee.
SFA assistance this season, other than the usual home tie by to the Scottish Cup semi-finals, will be off the radar. The last thing they want is another treble for the Green Brigade’s Rebels Without a Pause. One – eyed refereeing, from Honest Mistakes Madden, Muir, Dallas and Beaton, will be more prevalent than last season. Waghorn’s prowess for converting penalties will be sorely missed
As was the case with Primark Pedro’s Europa Cup debut, Scotland’s hope of qualifying for the Russia World Cup Finals is a non-starter. In the highly unlikely event of a win against Slovakia, all the players can look forward to is the cold comfort of an airport floor, as Regan, McRae and Petrie help themselves to Cognac & Cohibas. Tomorrow’s anticipated romp against the Maltesers, covered in chocolate with a light inner core, should not fool anyone.
Will Natasha be wearing the all white Slovakia first team strip as you sit down to watch the game, or will she favour the all blue away strip that will be worn by the away team?
An England win will give Scotland a dog’s chance. The same chance that Cuddle Cat would have when pitted against your Akita dog, Gazza.
It will be a pleasant respite from watching Cack-Handed Caixinha’s Calamities.
Give my love to Lady Bear,
Yours in exile,