Dear JJ : The WATP Discount

Dear JJ,

Felicitations old chum from Teddy and Natasha in our Chalfonts Indian Summer idyll. Our local Indian restaurants – The Pukka Sahib and The Full Raj – are doing a roaring trade. I spotted Jim White going the full Raj in his yellow tie and matching boxer pants. I have no idea why he dropped his trousers. Does he think he’s Richard Gough? I had hoped that we had seen the last of him after he disgraced himself by slipping the tongue on Lady Bear as she was putting in a shift on the Ladies Guild ‘Kiss me quick’ stall at the summer fete. What part of Kiss Me Quick does he not get? Does he think he’s in France where they coined the term Cinq Minutes Frenchie?

I note that Scotland put three past yet another failed Baltic statelet. Even if they had gone the full Big Fat Derek Johnstone – who scored six with two clearly offside – do away from home goals count double? – there would no reason for optimism. Slovakia will give us a Thursday evening spanking at Hampden. Some of the old boys in The Chalfonts County Cricket Club would pay good money if they dressed up as ‘Matron’ to deliver some much needed corporal punishment. Our club secretary Max Mosley would prefer Nazi uniforms but the least said about him the better. I blame the public schools.

I digress. I note that The Hearts Holy Trinity – Craig Levein The Father, Son & Holy Ghost (his appearance between the sticks is understated) had the temerity to ask for a cool million, up front, for Jamie Walker. Does he not realise, as Primark Pedro appositely put it, that We Are The People? How remiss of him not to apply the WATP discount.

Even Cub Reporter Chris Jack took pause to remove his retainer to opine that Hearts would have to make the first move. Could Levein not have settled for an EBT in the time-honoured tradition?

Playing Gypsy Thief to Primark’s Gypsy Kings is beyond the pale. Jamie Walker, whose heart was set on the 5 a.m. world class breakfasts and naughty step 6 a.m. training will not be a happy bunny. He should console himself with a full night’s rest which seems to have done wonders for O’ Halloran in his loan move to St. Johnstone. Primark’s opinion that he is not good enough for his second tier ‘Less than Speedy’ Gonzales team of misfits will not play well when they try to offload him to Tommy Wright after his loan expires. A fish supper and a bottle of Irn Bru might be the best offer on the table, with a fish tea sell-on clause. How remiss of Primark to diss his own player.

Craig Levein should know better. Has he not learned anything since his SFA £5,000  fine in 2008 after speaking out of turn after a curious run-in to the title encounter at Ibrox on May 10th of that year? Levein was the manager of Dundee United at that time.

On the day in question, McCurry wrongly disallowed a goal by United’s Danny Swanson for offside, elected not to award Levein’s team a penalty when last man David Weir clearly brought down Noel Hunt and also failed to penalise both Daniel Cousin for butting Lee Wilkie and Kirk Broadfoot for punching Hunt.

The refereeing was so bent that it was a throwback to The Struth Era and the blatant cheating in favour of the  draft-dodging shipyard workers who won WW II regional titles with more than a little help from their friends.

What did he expect from Sir Bribe & Lie’s EBT Juggernaut? A level playing field? At Ibrox? His after-dinner speeches must be a real hoot.

As you know JJ, Lady Bear and I love nothing more that toodling along the B-roads of Cornwall in our Rolls Royce Corniche. She’s an absolute classic. Only one previous owner and surprisingly low in tread. Lady Bear is wearing well. On finding a cove that a smuggler would be proud of, I set up our Martini sun canopy and indulge in some crumpet and clotted cream. Having tended to Natasha I open my thermos of Earl Grey Tea, adding three table spoonfuls of 25 Years Old Macallan from my hip flask; one for each cup and one for the pot. I then lay out some freshly delivered smoked salmon canapés from Fortnum & Mason.

I offten throw a curl of salmon at our much beloved Akita dog ‘Gazza’ who is quite partial to flute music. He has a discerning ear. More a GIRFUY Famine Song than Jethro Tull if truth be told. However there is none of the barking that seems to be a familiar theme in Primark Pedro’s caravan excursions. I once found a wayward Gazza whining at Stevenage Railway Station, but I put that down to the Burke & Hare McCanns who were stinking up the first class waiting room in their pathology gowns. Fearing that Cuddle Cat would be ripped apart I ushered Gazza away from the cadaverine-crusted criminals and made good our escape to a local butcher to pick up a rack of lamb for Gazza’s elevenses. All’s  well that ends well. Unlike our Europa Cup exit which was a clusterfucked omnishambles.

How are things in exile old chum? Are you and Lord Lucan sitting down to afternoons of Canasta to a backdrop of Wildebeest? Torquay can be quite nice at this time of year.

As the McCanns would say I’ll love you and leave you.

Yours in Rangers,

Edward (Teddy) Bear Esquire

The Home On The Range Estate

Chalfont St. Giles


WATP 1690

When in doubt play 4-6-0. Now get that notebook out for my first eleven.


Dear Teddy,

Thank you for getting in touch. The vial of Lady Bear’s old bath water was very thoughtful. My Elba Tulips are coming up a treat.

I concur that Craig Curmudgeon Levein is as easy to deal with as Daniel Levy with toothache. Alex Ferguson remarked that hip surgery was preferable to sitting down with Levy to discuss money.

During the tenure of Sir Bribe & Lie, a helpful EBT would often be used to oil the wheels of transfer progress. Graeme Souness and Walter Smith tucked away tidy sums for their transfer amelioration. Could one not have conjured up a tax-efficient dodge for old times sake? No names, numbers, or Supreme Court pack drill? It could have been imperfectly registered as an endowment from Dave King’s Aunt Fanny (deceased) safe in the knowledge that the SFA would brush it under their Hampden shag pile.

Chris Union Jack is getting his training bra in a twist about the Jamie Walker impasse. Suffice to say that he can sign a pre-contract in January, with the Rangers-facing SFA setting a peppercorn development fee.

SFA assistance this season, other than the usual home tie by to the Scottish Cup semi-finals, will be off the radar. The last thing they want is another treble for the Green Brigade’s  Rebels Without a Pause. One – eyed refereeing, from Honest Mistakes Madden, Muir, Dallas and Beaton, will be more prevalent than last season. Waghorn’s prowess for converting penalties will be sorely missed

As was the case with Primark Pedro’s Europa Cup debut, Scotland’s hope of qualifying for the Russia World Cup Finals is a non-starter. In the highly unlikely event of a win against Slovakia, all the players can look forward to is the cold comfort of an airport floor, as Regan, McRae and Petrie help themselves to Cognac & Cohibas. Tomorrow’s anticipated romp against the Maltesers, covered in chocolate with a light inner core, should not fool anyone.

Will Natasha be wearing the all white Slovakia first team strip as you sit down to watch the game, or will she favour the all blue away strip that will be worn by the away team?

An England win will give Scotland a dog’s chance. The same chance that Cuddle Cat would have when pitted against your Akita dog, Gazza.

It will be a pleasant respite from watching Cack-Handed Caixinha’s Calamities.

Give my love to Lady Bear,

Yours in exile,




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16 thoughts on “Dear JJ : The WATP Discount”

  1. Surreal to wake up to piece.Edward,gypsey please and nothing wrong with them.Primark,as pointed out to you before,are trading legally and useful unlike the Sooside Spanner Factory.

  2. aw naw…… that reporter chris jerk has just found out trfc havent signed John Declan……. if Billingham can field a Symphonia football X1 whats wrong with Govan having a Catholica X1……

    in other news…… my sources tell me PSG are looking to hire Stewarty R as an expert consultant in wriggling round the UEFA FFP Rules regards their upcoming investig…… the same sources report ….. the slug is up for the job too……….

  3. I don’t get it. You wrote a letter to yourself, crying that Rangers wouldn’t pay a million quid for a guy they’ll sign for free on a pre contract in January, ditto Kenny McLean?
    Why would Rangers pay over the odds for a player who’s current team have a cow in the stadium to put coppers in because they can’t afford to finish their stand?

    1. Tam

      They were asked to pay what Hearts valued the chap at because they wanted him now. They wanted him this season. Instead the will wait, sign him precontract and pay £250k approximately as a development fee.

      The questions that the seniors at Ibrox must ask themselves are, would the approximately £750k of a difference be worth paying now? How vital is this guy to the managers plans? Is his signing the potential difference between finishing 4th and finishing 2nd or 3rd? Or could he help win a trophy?

      If Walker was not wanted then why the campaign to unsettle him and try to drive down the price?

      He was wanted, he would have contributed to the current Sevconian first team 11 and would have made all the difference especially when the long Scottish autumn and winter kicks in.

      Let’s wait for audited accounts and the take over panel move on con man king to see if Sevco are able to table that offer in January.

      Winter is coming!

      1. Hi General. I’ll try my best to answer those five questions in order :
        1 : no
        2: at this point in time, not that vital to spend an extra £750k
        3 : I doubt it
        4 : Obviously that’s a possibility.
        5 : because it’s funny.

        You seem to think there is serious financial woe at the club, but I assume you will take the author’s word that Alves is on more than 30k a week, as I’ve yet to see anyone dispute this.

        My 5 year old could spot that somethings not quite adding up here.

  4. Teddy and Natasha have a lifestyle to which I could easily become accustomed.

    As for Tam:

    the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
    a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
    a literary genre comprising such compositions.

  5. Very pleasing on the mind JJ. Usual monthly amount sent, not much but it all adds up hopefully – 67H63487N42***** . Keep safe.

    JJ: The quantum of your contribution is the most prevalent on our site. Nothing to be ashamed about. It was very gratefully received.

  6. Hi JJ,
    What a lovely surprise to read about Teddy & Natasha again. I thought they went on a permanent vacation as it’s been a long time without hearing from them.
    Has put a smile on my face for the reminder of the day.
    Keep up the great work but staying safe should be your priority.
    Lady Tim

    1. Greetings Lady Tim. I thoroughly enjoy writing these pieces but unfortunately they are not well supported apropos contributions. If things pick up on other articles I may be able to afford another exchange in the not too distant future.

  7. Hi Tam

    Thanks for coming back to me

    Unsettling a player via the press is not funny, it’s unprofessional and unbecoming of a dignified institution! It does, however happen on a regular basis and is not the sole preserve of this particular “transfer saga”, so it’s not just something that happens on behalf of the Ibrox operation.

    Regards the financial situation, I believe Dave King when he says loans are needed again. The loans from the Park family in particular have kept the lights on at Ibrox these last few seasons since King and former St Mirren supporter Murray forced their way up the marble staircase. Without these loans there would already have been another insolvency event on Edminston Drive.

    I own shares in Charles Greens’ club/company. These continued soft loans, that will never be repaid in cash, will eventually (if still a viable company is in operation) be “paid” in new shares. These new shares will dilute mine unless I invest again and dilute all other current shareholders including club1872 shares. The soft loans, by Dave Kings admission, currently stand at approximately £12-15 million. With new soft loans required in the next two months this figure will rise.

    What does this mean? It means that Dave King, or whoever sits atop the stair case, will need to have the most successful 2nd share flotation in British sporting history to A. Pay off the soft loans B. Have enough proper equity after paying off the loans and operating cash to build a team that will win the league and negotiate Champions League qualifiers in order to then have cash in hand to maintain dominance and to unearth relatively inexpensive gems in the transfer market to be sold on. Much like Celtic do.

    By Dave Kings own words, of the few I believe, he said it will take at least £50 million to catch Celtic. I think it’s more than that.

    Remember that the whole club/company scam currently shows that the club is in debt to the company to the tune of £12 plus million and the company is the same in “debt” to these soft loans. All of which contravenes FFP rules, but this is Scotland so it’s OK. That will never be repaid without two to three consecutive years in the champions league.

    The current situation will mean long term scraping about for the odd victory over Celtic, that will happen from time to time as they will let their guard down occasionally. The odd cup victory will again happen.

    If I was in charge I would arrange a prepack administration right now, take the points penalty, write off this season, bin Caixinha and his cronies, seriously annoy the Parks and others, but tough luck (ask the debenture seat and former shareholders in the original Rangers about that) and start afresh. The SFA and SPFL will help facilitate this.

    I would employ serious real Rangers men on realistic wages not overpaid “superstars”. It would take two seasons and I would have a third incarnation of Rangers in 2nd place on a shoestring budget. The fans would buy it. They bought the second version no problem so the third version will be a cinch.

    Orange away strip and abseiling soldiers with poppies in window boxes in the executive suites and the punters would lap it up. I would make £1 million per season and the fans would accept 11 guys on the pitch bursting their guts at the sheer Britishness of it all.

    It’s really very simple, but unfortunately second Rangers thought they were first Rangers and all the special overdraft facilities and authorities turning a blind eye didn’t apply this time. So second Rangers survive on loans from shareholders instead of a corrupt bank. The shareholders don’t have the reserves a corrupt bank has. The funds will run out eventually. Third Rangers will be a success only if reality is introduced into the proceedings. When it is, whether it be with third Rangers or thirty third Rangers, it will take a three to five year project and they will be second best outfit in the country and then, and only then, will they be able to really focus on unseating those pesky Tims from their perch.

    It will take one Real Rangers Man to stand up and make this happen, the problem is he will be called a bead rattler and told to pipe (or pape) down.


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