DCI Robertson – International Man of Mystery

Our intrepid International Man of Mystery, DCI Robertson, has been travelling the globe with his pert assistant Jackie O’Neil in pursuit of ‘Selfies‘ with leading Rangers figures for his scrapbook.

Robertson, O’Neil and Phil Gormley. The latter is on extended gardening leave. One assumes that Robertson has Souper Ally on fast dial and that The Constant Gardiner will address Phil’s distended topiary with all the staunchness one would expect in a Freemason’s less than humble abode. “Brown brogues at the ready, cut two three…”

Our International Man of Mystery loves nothing more than travelling the world on the state’s dollar, with Jackie on hand to add an olive to his gin & tonic. Robertson prefers Gordon’s Gin as it reminds him of Gordon Ramsay who was once on Rangers books.

Roberson & O’Neil’s North American ‘ahem….tours of duty’ were particularly memorable. A five day trip for a one-hour meeting with Duff & Phelps U.S. bosses. Robertson was claiming, and still does, that Messrs Clark and Whitehouse, who were selling their Manchester based MCR firm to Duff & Phelps, had dangled the prospect of the Rangers administration in front of the Americans to demonstrate what a good acquisition MCR would be. Tragically for DCI Robertson the Americans had never heard of Rangers when the deal was being discussed. Robertson and O’Neill had to console themselves with a trip to the top of the Empire State Building which was cold comfort for a pair of international crime fighters.

Did Roberson and his pert assistant, mindful of how many thousands of state dollars had been wasted on a wild goose chase, repair to La Guardia for a flight to meet Rangers’ Monocled Mutineer in Ohio? Perish the very thought. It was back to Blighty with a burgeoning kit bag of expenses receipts prior to another wasteful trip to the U.S. of A. On this occasion they spent four days in Ohio with no expense spared for a selfie with the dullest man ever to draw breath. Johnston assured them that there was nothing suspicious about the £168.6m implossion of Rangers and that reports of thirteen years of systemic tax evasion were no more than wild conspiracy theories; in the same vein as JFK being murdered by a crack political assassination team in the CIA. Everyone knew that Oswald was the lone shooter. Our International Man of Mystery was inordinately impressed by the wisdom of The Monocled Mutineer. He asked Jackie to crouch down, a position she was familiar with, to capture Johnston’s buffed brogues in all their quintessential splendour. It was another wasted but hugely expensive trip.

And of course there were four nights in South Africa to meet arch criminal Dave King where it never occurred to Robertson and O’Neill that they were in the presence of a man who made Craig Whyte’s alleged transgressions pale to insignificance. The small matter of King’s £25,000 acquisition of Craig Whyte’s hacked hard disk was duly dismissed over a first degree handshake. Plans to have a selfie in the wine cellar had to be cancelled when 28,000 bottles of boosted wine had to be returned to their rightful owners. With King’s acquired data and more expense receipts it was back to Blighty where the decision was made not to use the hacked data in the Whyte trial as it would inexorably lead to criminal charges for King, Murray & Traynor. This just would not do. Robertson, who was on a roll, pressured COPFS to drop charges against Stevenson.

Our International Man of Mystery’s finest hour was spent on another hour meeting with a leading figure in the rogue board to acquire information that was not admissible in court. But then what did one expect from an individual with no experience or training who had been Freemason Fast-Tracked to DCI from hairy-arsed sergeant in two shakes of his gin and tonic, with the slice provided by the ubiquitous Jackie O’Neil?

One eagerly awaits the four day trial when Robertson’s dirty travel laundry will be exposed for all the world to see. Readers of our site are ahead of the curve.

All this international travel has clearly gone to DCI Robertson’s head. He evidently now fancies himself as a leading lawman in the realms of financial crime. This would explain his surprise inclusion as a speaker at the May 15 conference in Stratford upon Avon of The Institute of Money Laundering Prevention Officers. The conference is entitled ‘Dealing with Dynamics – the fight against financial crime.’

The Speakers Include:

Justine Walker: UK Finance
Commander David Clark: City of London Police
The Financial Conduct Authority
Martin Cox: The National Crime Agency
Richard Vause: HMRC
DCI Jim Robertson: Police Scotland
HM Treasury
Ewan Lawson: RUSI
Head on Anti-Corruption: Foreign and Commonwealth Office
Daren Allen: Dentons
Alex Parker: Debevoise & Plimpton

Should one expect Jackie O’Neil to be present wearing her cheerleaders skirt? Our International Man of Mystery will need all the high kicking routines in Jackie’s locker to distract from the prosaic fact that he has no grounding in economic crime and that his career to date in this field has been little more than a BIlly Boy in a China Shop.

To be fair, Robertson will have lots of nice holiday snaps to show on his Powerpoint presentation although by the time May comes around perhaps his talk will have to be entitled:

How two plods spent millions, arrested many, yet failed to gain one conviction and made both the Crown and Police Scotland a byword for incompetence, criminal malice and downright stupidity.”

Phil Gormley is facing three charges of being a Bully Boy in a cop shop. When Robertson is inevitably suspended, or resigned in the grand Ibrox tradition, will he and Gormley form a barbershop choir to sing ‘we’re up to our kness in fenian blood‘ at orange halls and other Satanic gatherings? It’s sure to bring the house down.

n.b. There will be no appearances at Ibrox due to the precarious state of the roofs.








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13 thoughts on “DCI Robertson – International Man of Mystery”

  1. absolutely has made my day,even after my 1st cup of tea this fine morning.the smile will be even wider after the lunchtime match .thanks jj

  2. The really sad bit about all this is that those responsible will walk away with an enhanced pension along with an early retirement bonus while we struggle to get what benefits the government give us and then they work tirelessly to take them back for any reason whatsoever.
    Small payment on course for today as are another 3 points.

  3. JJ
    You really must be really getting under the skin of Scotland’s very own Insp Clouseau.

    Bravo monsieur on your latest insights.

    1. It perhaps may not have been actionable if you ghost wrote the piece on behalf of a sacrificial goat?

    2. Dear JJ
      When I cancelled my recurring monthly donation, I had good personal reasons – I still do.

      However, your output recently is outstanding, pardon my ‘French’, FFS! Where are you getting this stuff?

      Donated earlier on (Last few) VF040772X. Hopefully cheer you up tonight.

      Will do so again as and when I can.

      Stay safe,


      JJ: Thank you.

  4. This is a pretty stunning piece,JJ. Who gave these eejits the go-ahead to have a year-long all expenses,wages,bonuses-paid jaunt on the public purse?

    I’ve little doubt that no-one will be held answerable for this,amounting to a few hundred k as it does. After all,that’s a drop in the bucket when you consider how much is wasted as a matter of course by the judiciary and police in this country.

    It’s like a banana public,trebles all-round and jobs for the boys. But not the Bhoys,they’re only allowed as tokens.

  5. Can Derek throw many more games that’s 3 now waiting to be the rangers boss, hoping he would be in by the fourth for a victory over Aberdeen

  6. I’ve been away from Scotland for over 30 years and am astonished to learn that the culture is still based on 1690 and not 2017. The malevolent Loyalist pervasive influence of assumed superiority dominates Scottish life. A few token Taigs slip through despite the best efforts to subjugate. I have written about my personal experience of discrimination and despisement as a young doctor and had hoped that times might have changed. They have not and I feel vindicated in wiping the Scots dust off my shoes every time I leave that racist little country to return to God’s Own Country. The infection has spread throughout every echelon of society. Perhaps the first step in rehabilitating Scotland to emulate decency will come when Sevco go into liquidation soon. No other team must be allowed to start life at Ibrox to be the standard bearers for bigotry and hatred. Next year is the 18th one of the 21st century. Surely the Scots want to be imbued with the values of this century. Or do they still want the values of the 17th?

  7. The moon landings were faked at MGM British Studios Borehamwood.

    Metro Goldwyn Mayer (Jewish Americans) bought it in 1968 for this purpose. They had NASA’s billions. They were up against the clock as JFK stated USA would put a man on the moon before the decade was out (1970). There was a large experience of science fiction movies made there including The Prisoner tv series.

    Stanley Kubrick took over most studios for two years 1966-68 to shoot 2001 A Space Odyssey. The moon landing followed.

    Borehamwood was closed in 1970 to movie makers but it was secretly used for Apollo missions until 1972.

    Read post war:

    The Anderson’s produced sci-fi out of Borehamwood:


    The Andersons had previously made several successful science fiction programmes using marionettes and spacecraft models, including Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons and Joe 90.[2]

    They made this incredible earth space flight movie in 1969:

    Following syndication in the US and initial favourable ratings of UFO, a possible second series was scoped; this eventually became Space: 1999.[1]

    So the Anderson’s created Moon base Alpha after the first moon landing fiction. They had funding and access to American actors for UFO and Space: 1999. Cheers MGM.

    It has been proposed that a number of moon shots of Apollo astronauts is explained by them being suspended on thin wires. There are wire connection points on the Apollo suit backpacks (see YouTube footage). The Anderson’s were experts in wire controlled marionettes sci-fi movie shooting.

    Hollywood Jewish Americans (Israelis. They all have joint passports) have had get out of jail free cards ever since. Cue decades of the casting couch abuse of young women, young men and children.

    MGM went from strength to strength with unlimited funding whilst other cinematographers folded or MGM took them over.

    Israel and UK know of the moon lie and have previously used it softly as leverage over the USA.

  8. Israel is the main danger to world security,they have bought/bribed/blackmailed the USA and its politicians for aeons they are truly horrible people not the Jews I add but the Zionist/Khazars that run this enclave,Rothschild quoted “I don,t care who the people elect right/left/centre if I control the money I control all” or words to that effect.

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