Our intrepid International Man of Mystery, DCI Robertson, has been travelling the globe with his pert assistant Jackie O’Neil in pursuit of ‘Selfies‘ with leading Rangers figures for his scrapbook.
Our International Man of Mystery loves nothing more than travelling the world on the state’s dollar, with Jackie on hand to add an olive to his gin & tonic. Robertson prefers Gordon’s Gin as it reminds him of Gordon Ramsay who was once on Rangers books.
Roberson & O’Neil’s North American ‘ahem….tours of duty’ were particularly memorable. A five day trip for a one-hour meeting with Duff & Phelps U.S. bosses. Robertson was claiming, and still does, that Messrs Clark and Whitehouse, who were selling their Manchester based MCR firm to Duff & Phelps, had dangled the prospect of the Rangers administration in front of the Americans to demonstrate what a good acquisition MCR would be. Tragically for DCI Robertson the Americans had never heard of Rangers when the deal was being discussed. Robertson and O’Neill had to console themselves with a trip to the top of the Empire State Building which was cold comfort for a pair of international crime fighters.
Did Roberson and his pert assistant, mindful of how many thousands of state dollars had been wasted on a wild goose chase, repair to La Guardia for a flight to meet Rangers’ Monocled Mutineer in Ohio? Perish the very thought. It was back to Blighty with a burgeoning kit bag of expenses receipts prior to another wasteful trip to the U.S. of A. On this occasion they spent four days in Ohio with no expense spared for a selfie with the dullest man ever to draw breath. Johnston assured them that there was nothing suspicious about the £168.6m implossion of Rangers and that reports of thirteen years of systemic tax evasion were no more than wild conspiracy theories; in the same vein as JFK being murdered by a crack political assassination team in the CIA. Everyone knew that Oswald was the lone shooter. Our International Man of Mystery was inordinately impressed by the wisdom of The Monocled Mutineer. He asked Jackie to crouch down, a position she was familiar with, to capture Johnston’s buffed brogues in all their quintessential splendour. It was another wasted but hugely expensive trip.
And of course there were four nights in South Africa to meet arch criminal Dave King where it never occurred to Robertson and O’Neill that they were in the presence of a man who made Craig Whyte’s alleged transgressions pale to insignificance. The small matter of King’s £25,000 acquisition of Craig Whyte’s hacked hard disk was duly dismissed over a first degree handshake. Plans to have a selfie in the wine cellar had to be cancelled when 28,000 bottles of boosted wine had to be returned to their rightful owners. With King’s acquired data and more expense receipts it was back to Blighty where the decision was made not to use the hacked data in the Whyte trial as it would inexorably lead to criminal charges for King, Murray & Traynor. This just would not do. Robertson, who was on a roll, pressured COPFS to drop charges against Stevenson.
Our International Man of Mystery’s finest hour was spent on another hour meeting with a leading figure in the rogue board to acquire information that was not admissible in court. But then what did one expect from an individual with no experience or training who had been Freemason Fast-Tracked to DCI from hairy-arsed sergeant in two shakes of his gin and tonic, with the slice provided by the ubiquitous Jackie O’Neil?
One eagerly awaits the four day trial when Robertson’s dirty travel laundry will be exposed for all the world to see. Readers of our site are ahead of the curve.
All this international travel has clearly gone to DCI Robertson’s head. He evidently now fancies himself as a leading lawman in the realms of financial crime. This would explain his surprise inclusion as a speaker at the May 15 conference in Stratford upon Avon of The Institute of Money Laundering Prevention Officers. The conference is entitled ‘Dealing with Dynamics – the fight against financial crime.’
The Speakers Include:
Justine Walker: UK Finance
Commander David Clark: City of London Police
The Financial Conduct Authority
Martin Cox: The National Crime Agency
Richard Vause: HMRC
DCI Jim Robertson: Police Scotland
Ewan Lawson: RUSI
Head on Anti-Corruption: Foreign and Commonwealth Office
Daren Allen: Dentons
Alex Parker: Debevoise & Plimpton
Should one expect Jackie O’Neil to be present wearing her cheerleaders skirt? Our International Man of Mystery will need all the high kicking routines in Jackie’s locker to distract from the prosaic fact that he has no grounding in economic crime and that his career to date in this field has been little more than a BIlly Boy in a China Shop.
To be fair, Robertson will have lots of nice holiday snaps to show on his Powerpoint presentation although by the time May comes around perhaps his talk will have to be entitled:
“How two plods spent millions, arrested many, yet failed to gain one conviction and made both the Crown and Police Scotland a byword for incompetence, criminal malice and downright stupidity.”
Phil Gormley is facing three charges of being a Bully Boy in a cop shop. When Robertson is inevitably suspended, or resigned in the grand Ibrox tradition, will he and Gormley form a barbershop choir to sing ‘we’re up to our kness in fenian blood‘ at orange halls and other Satanic gatherings? It’s sure to bring the house down.
n.b. There will be no appearances at Ibrox due to the precarious state of the roofs.