The Cardigan Says NO

An impeccable source has informed me that the beleaguered board, who don’t have a BVI dollar between them, reached out to The Cardigan to steady the listing ship until the end of the season. They were astonished when Mr. Smith O.B.E. EBT turned them down flat. My source did not add that Uncle Walter wished them every success with their new club as was his wont.

Does The Cardigan realise that the task at Ibrox is a poisoned chalice? Even Pea-Souper Ally has asserted that it would not be a good time to pick up the reins. Not as bad as when he was manager of course when he did ‘walking away’ to ensure that he picked up his full £750,000. What’s the world coming to when a light blue suit and buffed brown brogues are not guaranteed to secure three points?

Walter could do with a bob or two. He has been in The Court of Session this week suing his former personal adviser. One would like to think that it has nothing to do with his Rangers EBT bung while he was at Everton. One would have to colour me surprised should his business affairs adviser not reveal the succulent details of The Cardigan’s tax artifice in court. But even thoughts of HMRC induced penury won’t force his hand.

A cynic might conclude that Uncle Walter is prepared to wear a mask when trousering a bung, but he is no Batman. My exclusive news will come as a relief to fourth officials everywhere as Walter was known to froth at the mouth and cover them with phlegm when delivering some robust admonishment. Playing tonsil hockey with a screaming Blue Meanie should not be part and parcel of an official’s remit at The Sectarian Speakeasy. It might lead to a strike and a break-out of fair officiating from foreign shores. Heaven forfend that the Scottish game should be played on a level playing field.

Someone who shares my antipathy for the rogue board, The Clumpany, wrote the following:

A well-placed source informs me that the Sevco High Command met in urgent dignified conclave after today’s Quintessentially British defeat to the mighty Hamilton.

The Serious Professional and a magnificently-maned factotum reached south of the Limpopo to insist David Cunningham King dialled in to the staunch sit-down.

The call was sponsored by OPM, and the reversal of the charges reflected the reversal in the fortunes of the five-year old basket of assets moulded into Sevco FC by founding father Charles of Normandy.

The sensible faction in the blues-stricken Blue Room had been backing Graeme Stuart Murty to replace Pedro Miguel Faria Caixinha as the cut-price wearer of the dignified managerial brown brogues. However, today’s entirely Academical set-back had put a spoke in their un-Cunningham plan.

Unfortunately for the sensible faction, the more determined Rangers men had not forgotten their vocal support for Murty, and a free and frank exchange of views followed.

The Serious Professional – who (like the Admirable Warburton) seems a decent guy doing a tough job – attempted to bring some focus to the deliberations of the People’s dignified leadership. He invited the board to decide whether it really could muster the cash to make a formal approach to Derek McInnes or else stick with Mr Graeme Stuart Murty.

I understand that there was then a very awkward silence before one particularly brave Blue Room veteran said that it all depended upon whether David Cunningham King was prepared to over-invest in the manner that the stenographers had suggested, following the high-Level encouragement of an intergalactic PR guru.

My source informs me that there were audible gasps when the staunchly-brave individual said “Dave, it’s time to put up or shut up.”

It was then a huge disappointment to all concerned that the line from South Africa suddenly became extremely crackly and the Chairman’s dignified response was inaudible.

Meanwhile, Sevco remains a loss-making business without a credit line from a bank.

>>>>>>

F*ck. I’ve posted this on the wrong blog, haven’t I?”

 

TC has produced a perfect spoof of Phil Mac’s somewhat florid reportage. I can sense another outing for his NUJ membership card, where as someone not engaged in journalism at any title, he is a lay member.

It’s also the perfect folly to those who think that Phil Mac and TC are one and the same. That would be the same sentiently-challenged individuals who assert that the redoubtable The Mensch is my alter ego. I guess it would be convenient if The Klan could put all their taig eggs in one basket. Is a two-headed bheast more easy to decry than two individual bheasts?

Let’s cut to the chase. The beleaguered board don’t have a British Virgin Islands pot to piss in. The pie-in-the-sky reportage about going after McInness was a Level 5 production. It’s a two-pronged trident. On one level it gives the impression that Lite are a big club which has the wherewithal to attract the best. Green eyes in brown brogues are looking at Brendan Rodgers with a disquieting envy. The second prong is to unsettle McInnes prior to the back-to-back games with Aberdeen. Will the rogue board continue with Slim Shady’s second prong or are they under pressure to unveil any old fossil prior to the AGM?

That fossil won’t be The Cardigan. In the interim we await the Donegal blogger to assume the dimensions of a fly and buzz his way onto the Blue Room’s wall. He has thirty thousand Twitter followers who hang on every word of his purple prose. If The Clumpany had added the words ‘Chimera‘ and my personal favourite ‘Plenipotentiary‘ to his spoof, one would not have been able to pass a cigarette paper between them.

All we need now is for BFDJ to turn up to tell us the board should take their time.

Right on cue, our Rangers Lite cheerleader – Lying then, Lying now, Lying forever– dusted down his Rangers-ra-ra skirt and rehashed the old routine.

The Imposter is a hard act to follow. That kind of comedy gold is difficult to find. Just like BFDJ when the CSA come calling.

 

 

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25 thoughts on “The Cardigan Says NO”

  1. The only untruth you printed this week Hamilton will be caught in the headlights at ibrox well that didnae happen do you still think Dundee will be beaten by sevco midweek I’m not too sure. Stick to what your good at your result predictions could be busting a few fixed odds coupons 😂😂

  2. Once again and true to form, another fantastic piece JJ. Your output continues to be incisive, accurate, prolific, forensic and unparalleled. It’s so refreshing that you strip away all the bulls**t, the smoke and mirrors and the deceit, leaving the true picture laid bare. Warts ‘n’ all.

    I can’t thank you enough. If I could give you some sort of medal or award I would. However, I will be sending another well-earned donation soon. In the meantime, take care and my hat off to you. Regards, NK.

  3. The cardigan allegedly told a few home truths when being offered the job on a temporary basis. Politely telling them in no uncertain terms to go an take a feck to themselves..

  4. was the cardigan not turned down with a last minute offer to buy the basket of assets at one point…. that probably still rankles with him.

    i was going to suggest he’d maybe try again for Lite version 3 in the future but tax demands from his EBT bung will probably scupper that

  5. Is Big Eck the pre-AGM fossil in question? Does he knows his charges won’t be EBT coated?
    The fitba’ world knows that Eck is passed his sell-by date as a BBC sponored pundit never mind as a manager.

  6. I sense that the penny has finally dropped with many fans that Rangers Lite are just an average team. The current team has not won 3 games in a row for almost a year.
    They are also spending more than they are earning and this is a disastrous business model. They have no manager. They have been living on loan money for the last year. No sane millionaire would want to ‘invest’ (throw away good money) in such a product. The assumption of many is that Rangers deserve to be there or thereabouts. The past does not predict the future. This team cannot last the season let alone win trophies. If they thought 2012 was bad then 2018 will be hell of a lot worse.

  7. The Cardigan is fuming with sdm and RFC/ TRFC regarding having to pay up on EBT tax.

    He only won stuff on bigger budgets than every other club provided through tax evasion players and bank of Scotland tens of millions incredulous loans.

    Fair weather friend when cash times are good.

  8. JJ, sorry to digress but could you have a look at this drivel spin put out by a crime reporter in the SMSM re a DCI in Polis Scutland being demoted. It should be entitled, “Let’s spin this so the Sectarian Bigot cop appears as the victim, so that when her appeal comes up, with the sway of WE ARE THE PEEPUL public opinion, the original decision will be quashed.” It truly is the most pathetic piece of journalism I have read recently. Up there with Mark Daly’s piece on Celtic by proxy.
    A bigot is a bigot. She should be lucky to keep a public office post at all after her actions.
    It really will be interesting to see the appeal outcome. Probably end up being “counselled” like the Airdrie cops who surpressed evidence of hate crimes being committed by ignoring complaints about the Airdrie Orange Lodge fancy dress event. Really – counselling? For what could have been considered as a criminal act – attempting to pervert the course of justice, by concealing evidence of a potential crime being committed. I believe it would be interesting to keep an eye on how this develops. The crime reporter is apparently very close to PS and is often provided “exclusives” by that organisation in gratitude and as quid pro quo. Is he now starting the spin to ensure a favourable outcome for this recognised bigot?

  9. I get the feeling the Lord Bannatyne ruling will be out this week.

    Lordy! Lordy! Bannatyne.

    “Rangers were not relegated, demoted or sent down the leagues……”

    A New Rangers “entered into a contract with the SFL to join the SFL in the bottom tier”

    It’ll merely be another laugh at Sevco moment as Glib gets strung up for fiddling the plc system.

  10. “Dave King happy to repay Rangers supporters’ loyalty with Mike Ashley deal” – Gordon Waddell, June 2017.

    Haha lol. Pishery.

    King told the media a few weeks before this headline that it looked like Ashley’s contracts were watertight (legal advice) and that they’d need to settle with him but not to worry, he (King) would settle it himself with his money.

    Then this headline made it look like he settled personally as a reward to fans.

    Only now has official accounts revealed RIFC settled with £3m cash, a call to buy SD merchandise to fans and a club 1872 buyout of Ashley’s shares.

    “Ashley came round to our way of thinking” – King. Rotfpml.

  11. Where is Mind Melt financial genius RIFC Shareholder Kieran Prior?

    In 2016 he advised King to take on Ashley and rip up the merchandise contracts.

    Since then silence after two rounds of annual accounts.

    I guess he’s staying well clear of all cold shoulders and certainly not a financial or business adviser to King. 🙂

    JJ: It has not escaped my notice that you are using 3 different monikers to post comments. Desist!

      1. I didn’t write in support of him, I was trying to ascertain why you seemed to have a problem with him recently. And by the way, I thought this was OUR site?

  12. Well that’s where you are wrong jj and perhaps you should check Paypal before making assumptions. I currently have a recurring monthly donation. You spend enough time telling the world how little you receive in donations so it would not take you long to investigate. And for the record I didn’t suggest this was MY site, I suggested as you often do that the Speakeasy was OUR site. Don’t take your anger with Phil Mac out on me.

  13. Phil Mac isn’t my favourite blogger but I think it lowers the tone of this excellent site slagging him off especially as the link you put up is from a person who has personal issues with the man.

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