Dear JJ : Union Bears

Dear JJ,

How the devil are you my old mucker. Still busking on your blog? Lady Bear has cooked up some Bakewell filth on her Aga for sustenance which will be with you presently. I trust my tuppence worth will provide your readers with a modern-day ‘Broons‘ experience. Ma Broon does not strike me as the most emancipated of women. Contraception seems to have passed her by. Lady Bear is the kind of strong woman that one should celebrate on Women’s Day. She’s a stormtrooper of a gal whose appeal is anathema to the Viagra salesmen of Big Pharma. As I write in my king size bed at our suite at The Balmoral I catch a glimpse of my beautiful Scottish bluebell slipping into something Secret and Victorian. There’s nothing like a promise to get the sap rising on this fine Sunday morning.

We travelled by first class carriage to The Athens of The North yesterday. Having been to Athens en route to Piraeus and our Cyclades idyll, I can but assume that this expression was coined when Athens was not the crumbling ruin that it is today. It would not be my first choice of twin towns. Bath would be much more apposite or Harrogate. We’re heading to Govan today which would be flattered if it were twinned with Fukushima.

I celebrate our wedding anniversary every June by renewing my lease on a box for Lady Bear and I to partake of a game that takes our fancy. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer Old Firm to Glasgow Derby, even though I know it’s a new club playing at my former club’s spiritual home. If they planted saplings on the hallowed turf I would still turn up to watch them grow so a new club is not too much of a stretch for me. We have founding father Charles Green to thank. If Fulham can have a statue of The King of Pop blowing Bubbles why not a statue to the King of Big Hands with a mug of builder’s brew on one finger?

Our chauffeur, former Ibrox favourite Mark Warburton, drove our Bentley up overnight. For a bit of fun we booked him into his old digs in Auchenhowie. One can but hope that they don’t superglue him to his lavatory as was the case during his previous tenure. Imagine the humiliation of being caught with your pants down and unable to flush away a bobbing Greyfriar’s Bobby that followed one out with the fire crew? He insists to this day that it was very cold in the bathroom, but I demur of  his limp excuse.

He texted me this morning to reassure us that he was on his way having snatched a a few hours in a bed which was bedecked by a Celtic FC duvet cover. He awoke prior to his alarm call at 6.07 which he assumed was a reference to CFC  going for 7 in-a-row, to the refrain of ‘It’s a grand old team‘ being blared through the TV. He switched the TV off but could not escape the soundtrack in the bathroom where a song venerating ‘Henrik Larsson’ rang out. It was followed by a remixing of an old classic:

Sunday morning, up with the lark
I think I’ll walk to Celtic Park
Hey hey hey, it’s a beautiful day

I’ve got the Bhoys waiting for me
And when I see them I know that I’ll say
Hey hey hey,  another treble today

When you scored, scored, scored it was so lovely

This is my my my beautiful day

When I said said said that I love you

Oh my my my it’s a beautiful day


The jolly craicsters were having a field day. Mark will be driving for us for the couple of years it takes him to complete his A-Z course and gain a black cab licence.  Lady Bear and I like to arrive early to avoid the ‘Nosebag Masons‘ who line up like crows in The Argyle Suite. Her antipathy to Ibrox legend John Brown, who can usually be found in a crumpled heap behind a Chesterfield after a skinful of malt, is in no small measure due to his insistence on calling her ‘hen’ and looking at her lasciviously when ordering a ‘totty‘ scone.

We also choose to avoid Alex EBT McLeish and Derek Johnstone. The latter always leaves five minutes before half time to have first dibs on the pies and bridies. Those he cannot eat are stuffed into his pockets for the drive home to Helensburgh. He is relatively easy to avoid in The Argyle Suite. All one has to do is move away from his wake of pastry flakes.

However our suitably serene early morning progress was brought to an abrupt halt by an illegal march by a group that we were later informed call themselves The Union Bears. There are so many Bears groups that one loses track. There are The Vanguard Bears, who paid the fines for the Recidivist Bears who attacked the celebrating Hibs fans at Ibrox. Then there are The Incontinent Bears who dropped their pants and made a deposit on the Queen’s Highway in Manchester. There is an even an Australian Bears group, The Sons of Strewth.

It reminds one of the different political factions in the Life of Brian. Not that levity and The Union Bears are in any way easy bedfellows. They are not in any way Huggy Bears. They were responsible for punching a female steward’s tooth out and then bombarding her with vile pejorative epithets when she complained. They also set about a retired gentleman who attempted to defend her.

Is ‘No country for old men, or women‘ The Union Bears mission statement? James Forrest  in his most recent blog opines about how Civic Scotland turns a blind eye to the sectarianism at Ibrox, but the following banner has caught the eye of at least one MSP:

James Dornan SNP

Hi @policescotland can you assure me you’re aware of this and will be at the KP Loudon Tavern to ensure it doesn’t go ahead? If this wasn’t meant to be threatening then why talk of ‘fenians’ and the request for ‘dark clothing’

This is an obvious incitement to hatred. As you know JJ there is not a sectarian bone in my body. I’m not in any way an exponent of Irish racism. These mindless thugs are not marching in my name. One can but hope for a robust police response.

Yours in Rangers,

Edward ‘Teddy’ Bear Esquire

‘The Chalfonts Home on The Range’

Chalfont St Giles


P.O. Box 1690


Dear Teddy,

As much as it’s great to hear from you and every schoolboys crush, Lady Bear, it saddens me to note that Scotland’s Shame has reared its ugly head yet again. A poster with images of  a green shirted fan being kicked reminds one of the 2016 Scottish Cup Final:

Yuanker’s assertion that the fans were defending their players was as hollow as his claims that Chinese clubs were pursuing Morelos. When The Morelos Myth was exposed as an elaborate lie, the enterprising BBC journalist who laid bare the lie was then badgered by Yuanker and the BBC Freemasonry hierarchy into issuing a grovelling apology or face disciplinary action.

Does Scotland’s shame want to incite a mounted police response today at Ibrox?

James Dornan, for drawing Police Scotland’s attention to this illegal march prior to a tinderbox fixture, has been inundated with abuse from the GIRFUY Bears. 

Hatred is common currency at Ibrox. Is it not high time the Lite board stopped cashing in on this hatred?





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11 thoughts on “Dear JJ : Union Bears”

  1. have you seen the article in the record online, written by Jack aitchison. It states that the SMP jack dornan is leaving twitter because of abuse by OLD FIRM fans.
    Celtic supporters call the game the glasgow Derby so are not old firm fans.
    Why not state Rangers fans?
    Why would celtic supporters give him abuse for reporting the union bears to the police.
    Wonder how many off duty police will be dressed in dark clothing & taking part in the march.
    Will the police kettle them and prevent them from attending the game?

  2. Hatred is common currency at Ibrox. Is it not high time the Lite board stopped cashing in on this hatred?

    Forgive me JJ but I feel I must correct you.

    Hatred is the ONLY currency in plentiful supply at Ibrox.

  3. The Union Bears assemble at 10.45 ie 30 minutes from now. If they are not all arrested by 11.45 then the Glasgow police have relinquished the rule of law. Freedom of speech and assembly is not unconstrained or unrestricted. This is a knuckle dragging lynch mob formed to inflict violence. They might as wear white hoods and brandish fiery crosses. Their nickname The Klan is apt. This is the twenty first century and not 1690. I however have no faith in the Scottish police force to uphold the law.

  4. Where do you start with our football authorities?
    Not a single drug test during the first half of the current season,why not?
    Is football in Scotland the only sport in the world without a drug problem?
    Watching various cup draws over the last few years one could be forgiven for thinking that all the participants were on drugs. How else could grown men confuse a 6 with a 9,resulting in a complete redraw?
    McCrae, Bryson,Broadfoot,Petrie,Ogilvie, Gordon Smith….is this really the best we can do?
    Everyone a failure, some spectacularly.
    Bryson with his numerous wrong calls on registration matters, Petrie with his sheer incompetence, Ogilvie with his bare faced lies and a £96k bulge in his pocket,Smith who knew nothing about anything when caught by Sky in the Ibrox car park after Whyte’s admin speech, and finally Broaders, a PR guru whose client is and was a laughing stock throughout his tenure at Hampden.
    Is whoever who signs off on his invoices unaware of the regard that the SFA/SPFL is held in by the ordinary Scottish football fan?
    Of course, like the bare faced liar Regan, he is on record as saying that the UEFA 2012 licence waved through for Oldco by the SFA was completely above board.
    Really Broaders, really?
    It would be informative, would it not, if whoever made the fraudulent UEFA licence application on behalf of Oldco was named and shamed?
    If nothing else it would be a relief for Scottish football to know that the perpetrator has long since been removed from any position, club or country, before Police Scotland eventually come calling.

    1. And McRae, not allowed outside Hampden without a minder, a graduate of the SFA blazer academy.
      Let’s see how many rock up at Hanpden next week to welcome EBT McLeish and a new era in Scottish football. Not enough to cover the opposition guaranteed payment I bet!

  5. Tonights podcast from the Rangers fans podcast ‘head in hands’, is titled , “bring me the head of Alfredo Morelos.”
    Usual chipper fare I expect.

  6. Yes,Fenians only need 10 men.Collum,absolute disgrace and a “linesman” shouting red card,red card in desperation.Sevco? Abysmal in second half.They have gone all in this season,when financial matters bite we’ll see what state they are in.GF7

  7. Poor Morelos, champ to chimp in 90 minutes.
    The consensus among the fans is that they should have taken the £12 m bid from China for their on fire asset.
    With the normal order continuing all eyes now will be on the cup tie.
    Mr Murty, yet again, has gone from a stick on to get the gig full time to being clueless
    No doubt the media will be cranking it up with lots of talk from Ibrox as to how they will turn Celtic over in the cup.
    The fans are talking of further investment in the summer completely ignoring the fact that Close Bros need repaid as well as Docherty’s transfer fee…..unless of course he’s returned to Accies following his ‘rental’ period at Ibrox. Don’t the fools at Hampden think that the Park family’s part in this is totally wrong?
    Will money be found to sign Martin, Murphy, Goss and Cummings?
    With King’s wee problem with the TOP long forgotten by the media the next few weeks will be interesting.
    Aberdeen and Hibs are still within touching distance of 2nd place so game on.
    Another week gone by and the Compliance Officer review of SFA licencing procedutes is nowhere to be seen, 6 months plus and counting.
    Has he been stood down, if so on whose orders?
    Has he completed the review and its been locked away in the Hampden bunker forever?
    Have the findings been passed to Police Scotland and is the subject of a criminal investigation?
    Fraud is a criminal offence with no time bar and is viewed seriously by the courts.
    The perpetrators and those involved in the subsequent cover up must be brought to account.

  8. It’s customary for the ref to consult with his linesman if he’s waving his flag to draw attention to an incident.
    I’m surprised the Sky microphones didn’t pick up the linesmans screams of Red Card, Red Card.
    The ref didn’t speak to him but just did as he was ordered and pulled out the red card.
    Didn’t realise till afterwards that this was the MSP who skipped his day job to jet across Europe at UEFA’s expense to officiate at a match…..definitely got his priorities right there!
    With dozens of smoke bombs being let off today right in front of them Police Scotland failed to make a single arrest during the march to Ibrox.
    How is that possible?
    You would have thought that those on the march would be proud to be taking part.
    Why the need then for many of them to cover up their faces?

  9. Amazing wee Alfredo gets upgraded to the full world class breakfast contract and misses,shooda kept him on the frosties from the variety pack.
    Guess you can’t play a loan player that woulda won you the game in place of the full Colombian though.

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