Transfer Porn at Ibrox

One can but hope that The World Cup distracts the hapless SMSM hacks from a Silly Season of Lite speculation. The kind of fanciful wishful thinking that had Wayne Rooney rocking up at Ibrox. Had they checked and not swallowed Traynor’s lies wholesale they would have realised that Rooney had signed for DC United. The only former EPL pros who would be interested in playing at Ibrox would be those who could not get a U.S. or Chinese gig. Kranjcar, playing in an MLS backwater one step up from college football, is all Warburton could afford. The financial dystopia is now mission critical. The working capital of our ursine chums is hibernating.

Rooney and his ilk are professional footballers. The clue is in their title. Whether Bottle is handing out the bibs and cones matters not a jot compared to the quantum of their BACS/SWIFT transfers at month’s end. Gerrard himself plied his trade in the MLS, trousering $9m while living among the stars in Beverly Hills. One would have thought that the Beckhams would have reached out to the Gerrards notwithstanding the fact that Gerrard has a Scally accent, is as dull as ditchwater and hides the short planks in his garage as he loses out in any Stanford-Binet comparison. The senior pros at The Auchenhowie Safari Park will post an appeal on ‘WhatsApp‘ for a village missing its idiot.

As the curtain closes on another season of CFC record-breaking supremacy, with an unprecedented successive treble within their grasp, the no-deposit bottle is a Squirrel. An exercise of style over substance

‘Bottle Goes To Hollywood’ or ‘From Huyton to Hollywood’ might be the preferred narratives of the Lite hacks whose latent ‘Rangersness’ is currently soliciting a bulge in their pockets, but will they fall wanking to the floor with one hand clutching transfer porn?

Or will they manage expectations, as is the case with Traynor’s pubescent sock puppet Chris Jack?

Jack  – who has problems getting a carry out as Off Licences don’t believe he’s of age –wears his Herald Group swipe card on a blue ribbon at all times even when he’s out of the office. It’s the modern day codpiece of the office classes.

He styles himself as a Group Senior Sports writer. I can but assume that it’s easy being senior to Big Fat Derek Johnstone doing The Rangers Can-Can, or a feature by that inestimable man of letters, Halloween Houston.

Can one spot Derek’s illegitimate children in the Chorus Line? Derek has had a life time of difficulty in recognising them.

 

 

Jack’s rag is in terminal decline. One anticipates him being paid by the word as a jobbing hack on Metro; or do they demand that their hacks engaged in journalistic training? Jack’s credentials – attending a school with the conspicuous absence of a saint’s name in its title – might not fly outwith the Hun Micro Climate of the West of Scotland.

One would like to think that he did not miss his bed time, his Rangers pyjamas – bought for a song at a Liquidation sale – and his Huggies.

Jack’s latest was delivered by the ‘No Surrender’ carrier pigeon from Traynor’s Auchenhowie Doo Loft:

” Hi Chris. Still aspiring to being a stuntman for Danny De Vito? It seems like only yesterday that I was giving you a punt at Ibrox. Or was it yesterday? The new cattle grid turnstiles are a pain in my gout-ridden fundament.

Anyway buddy I need a solid. We need to dampen expectations. All this talk of war chests must be cut off at the knees. I should not bite the hand that feeds but King is an unconscionable prick who has the Gullibillies in a lather apropos Tranfer Porn.

The rights issue might not even get off the ground as only King has the wherewithal to underwrite it and he’s not permitted to participate. If a mysterious benefactor steps up we might all end up in the pokey.

Red Hand Nicholl has been primed to receive your call. He will parlay about not throwing the baby out with the bath water, and how a manager worth his salt will get a tune out of the current squad.

Yours in Rangers/Airdrie/Linfield and glorious victories in the El Belfastico,

Jim

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

“I trust that my ‘We are the People’ carrier pigeon finds you well. Cut out the short-arse patter Jim. As for solids I paid you in full with the Morelos Myth, or as I prefer to call him Count Missula. All it takes is a top six defence to turn up to render him as effective as Christopher Lee at noon. One could Velcro Morelos and a beach ball to a barn door and he would still conspire to miss it.

Anyway I met up with Red Hand in The Louden and after a few halfs of Bushmills – we don’t do Taig whiskey – we came up with the enclosed which I ran in my fanzine. Will I see you at the Masonic for the Matinee Dominoes on Wednesday? Will you vouch for me at the bar?

Yours in Rangers,

Chris – Herald Group Senior Sports Writer (and don’t you fucking forget it)”

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The following was published in The Evening Times where Jack’s Lite obsequiousness is only trumped by his irrelevance. Red Hand Nicholl asserted:

 “Hopefully, not a massive change. What I mean by that is that he will get something out of the existing squad. Yes, some of them will be gone but if he gets something out of the existing ones, he won’t need too many new players. I hope he doesn’t need eight or nine. I hope in the end he only needs three or four. He should get more out of the boys who are here. If they have anything about them, then he will do. They will respond to his demands. He might be younger, people might say he’s an inexperienced manager, but it doesn’t matter. If someone’s not doing it on the training pitch or on a Saturday for you, then it doesn’t matter if you’re inexperienced or not. It’s just a case of ‘away you go’.”

One would like to think that King will send something from his cellar by way of gratitude to Nicholl. Given how tight King is a ‘cobweb in a bottle’ will be winging its way to The Auchenhowie Safari Park as I write.

Nicholl might have been more succinct if he had stated, mimicking Scotty from Star Trek:

“Only 3 or 4 FFS Bottle. The Engine Room Subsidiary cannae hack it.”

As Jack joins his pubescent ilk under their Rangers duvets with a penlight and a Victorias Secret catalogue, he should leave his Panini scrap book on his bedside table.

There will be no Panini centrefolds coming to Ibrox.

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17 thoughts on “Transfer Porn at Ibrox”

  1. How Chris Jack gets away with the stuff he writes in that Rangers Fanzine of a so called newspaper I do not know . Every time there is a Celtic v Rangers game he goes for a Rangers victory constantly his usual score prediction is two one .He has picked Rangers the last 10 games if not more to win and wrong on all occasion. But his feelgood stories and fake news spins he puts out there keeps people happy and on board that’s all that matters to him . He will be good for a laugh over the summer as every player who has a good game in the world cup he will push it out there that Stevie G is looking at him and is definitely interested in sigming him . Interesting times ahead this week with some real belter stories in the Daily Record and Evening Times trying to compete with each other to see who can come up with the best fake news on Rangers you will not be disappointed.

  2. Mark Guiddi another fake news guy .He put it out there months ago that major investment is on its way to Rangers. Now after Kings presser last Monday we know it ain’t going to happen .But this clown Guiddi got called out on it on Wednesday superscorboard and he said he stills stands by what he said there will be major investment oh dear what part did he not get what King said . But once again this is just another guy from the press feeding fake news to give people hope what a poor excuse for journalist .

  3. As ever, I see things rather differently to Dave King with regard to priorities at Ibrox. He does seem to be obsessed with spin over substance (and you provide us with countless examples) together with an obsession with stopping Celtic achieving ten titles on the trot. The SG appointment has taken the English press by surprise and there has been more coverage of the Scottish game down here in the past few weeks than the past few years combined. The interest really is stirred by those hacks who are surprised that he has gone to such a crisis ridden club. But in securing SG, King’s card to the masses is that Rangers as a club is once again box office rather than a club playing, until recently, in the lower leagues of Scottish football. The Rangers fans are lapping it up and of course this provides more column inches for Scottish sports journalists. (On a personal level, I think that he has made a dreadful error of judge. Other than selling STs, it also resembles a huge risk for the club. Amidst the fanfare, there is little substance.)

    But King’s stated priority about halting Celtic’s relentless march to ten in a row is peculiar. Because, the success of Celtic on and off the pitch is NOT his priority. Nope. The priority of the board at Ibrox should be about corporate governance, self sustainability, fiscal excellence and high corporate standards throughout the club. By putting this in place, the board would be working to provide a platform guaranteeing a future for the club without resorting to hand outs and a reliance on corporate pawnbrokers to keep the lights on.

    THAT should be his priority. That is MUCH more important to the future of Rangers than Celtic and their trophy haul. And when giving press conferences, he should be making no references to Celtic nor any other club.

    He is responsible for the utter chaos, the utter shambles which is being acted out daily at Ibrox. This is his legacy. He has far bigger problems at Ibrox than Celtic winning trophy after trophy. But whilst he remains at the helm, the fundamental corporate problems which plague this club, simply will not go away as he simply doesn’t have the sklills and experience to sort the mess out. And it’s a mess of his making.

    As for Celtic, it seems to me that they have different but more exciting challenges. The issue for King and Rangers is one of sustainability and relevance to Scottish football. The issue for Celtic represents a bigger picture. Within five years, the CL will be rebranded into a Super League. Well actually, several. The Super League will feature the 16 from the top four European Leagues plus possibly two from Portugal. The next tier will contain the champions from France, Belgium, Netherlands, Russia plus a smattering of teams from each of the top four leagues. It is vitally important that Celtic have relevance to this league and it is BR’s job to ensure that Celtic continue to qualify for the group stages of the CL to ensure that they have a say at the table. This new format is a game changer for everyone who is invited to participate and prize money would be substantially higher than current CL levels.

    Rangers and Celtic are playing two different games here with completely different outcomes. Rangers are fighting for survival. Celtic are playing and positioning for an exciting and lucrative future.

    1. I’ve always noticed JJ mentioning you but never read any of your input til now. Excellent. Very enjoyable.

  4. Great post, Mensch. BR distanced himself from the Arsenal opportunity quite comprehensively and I got the impression he has his eyes on a bigger picture that he’s preparing Celtic for.

    As for Dodgy Dave, I think it’s clear that he is incapable of seeing the big picture or mapping out a long term strategy for Sevco. Everything about them is reactive rather than proactive.

    The moonbeams about the Morelos ‘transfer bids’ on the day Celtic signed Musonda? The treatment of discarded managers? Clandestine meetings with SFA, BBC, SMSM? More court cases than Rumplole of the Bailey! It’s all firefighting and bluster. Of course you are right, he would serve Sevco better by concentrating on them but that’s not his nature, it seems.

    His latest shenanigans are all about selling season tickets. Appoint a ‘name’ as manager, call a stage managed press conference where you focus the gullibillies attention on Celtic. Somehow get the money to keep the lights on for another few months. Job done – back to Africa on a company flight. Let someone else figure out how to pay when the bills come in.

    As a Celtic fan, it’s great entertainment, a hilarious sideshow – truly the gift that keeps on giving.

    No sympathy for Sevco fans. They have had enough warnings about being careful what you wish for.

  5. Lets hope that the ‘assumed thinking’ thatCelticand Sevco come as a city package whether it is migration to a European or English league set up will never be taken by UEFA.

    The fact that Aberdeen continue to force them into third place will hopefully help kill this idea off. They and their media will cling onto the ‘old firm’ irrelevance more and. It’s though.
    Celtic do not need the baggage or negatives associated with them or owe them anything. Freeloading will not be welcome.

  6. Could I just say it’s disgraceful that Hibs lay down to Sevco today,c’mon,who “loses” 5 goals to these idiots? Could Scottish football be corrupt in any way? Surely time for an investigation JJ……

  7. Poor old Craig levein he craves natural order during the season and ends up bottom of the post split league,hearts lose more than they win, draw more then they win, and zero goal diff , natural order beware what you wish for Craig son.if European football visits Edinburgh next season hearts will be irrelevant as Neil Lennon stated.

  8. Sevco have finished their season and have to pay May and June wages before they get income The news that they are ineligible for Europe seems not to have reached them.

  9. One correction for you JJ.

    Kranjcar never played in MLS. He played for the NY Cosmos who play in the 2nd tier (with no promotion/relegation) of American soccer. The Cosmos are, at most, the 3rd best club in their city, though they once had the famous Pele play for them long before many of your readers were born. These days, they are the best team in that league of semi-pro and amateur clubs.

  10. I’ll be attending match by match this year. I want to see progress and real quality players come in before I hand over a whole seasons ST money blindly. No guarantee the Titanic will make it through another season. You cannot improve the current squad. They have little or no character, strength, self belief and back bone. Cowards the lot of them.

    1. Interesting take Alan. Can one still buy match tickets from the Ibrox portakabin? I concur with your perspective on the current squad. All dross and not enough coal to light a fire in any belly.

  11. Not sure but I’ll get tickets to the games I want to go to for sure. Oh back to the days of queuing for that lovely dilapidated light blue portakabin! Better this than what we’ve had to put up with to date under this board. If ST fall to 17,000 they’ll start taking notice of us. 😉

  12. Memo to self

    Send all the loan players back

    Pay off Brunos contract

    Put Alfredo back on the pre Chinese contract

    Accept any offer for anybody

    Docherty to catch the parks 11.10 to Hamilton.

    Give up on Jordan

    Ask Donald about keeping Mexicans away.

    Jimmy tav and Ross Mac appear to be my lot.

    Jurgen funfzehn spiele bitte

    Signed

    Steven

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